Day 30 and Happy Birthday

A letter to yourself, telling yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

******

Dear Lily,

You are way awesome. Like seriously.

You’re kinda awesome to your siblings. Who else would get their brother an iPhone? Or buy their little sister 5 birthday presents? No one.

You’re also pretty dedicated to things you do.

You’re funny.
You’re sweet.

You’re a good friend … to those who matter, anyway.

And you don’t take bullshit from anyone.

I hope that you continue to be as awesome as you have been.

Love,
<3 Lily<3

PS Happy birthday, have lots of cake.

Thirty Days of Truth (1) Something you hate about yourself. (2)Something you love about yourself. (3) Something you have to forgive yourself for. (4) Something you have to forgive someone for. (5) Something you hope to do in your life. (6) Something you hope you never have to do. (7) Someone who has made your life worth living for. (8) Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. (9) Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. (10) Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. (11) Something people seem to compliment you the most on. (12) Something you never get compliments on. (13) A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.) (14) A hero that has let you down. (letter) (15) Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. (16) Someone or something you definitely could live without. (17) A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. (18) Your views on gay marriage. (19) What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? (20)views on drugs and alcohol. (21) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? (22) Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. (23) Something you wish you had done in your life. (24) Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) (25) The reason you believe you’re still alive today. (26) Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? (27) What’s the best thing going for you right now? (28) What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? (29) Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. (30) A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

30DOT: Day 29

29) Something you hope to change about yourself. And why

There’s a lot of things I would like to change. I mean, I’m not a perfect specimen. I wish I were. But even aside from all the superficial things I would change there are still alot of things I’d change in a heartbeat.

Being super emotional about everything is one. Seriously. It’s a problem. I could be watching a television show and something sad happens and I cry. Like last night, I was watching GRΣΣK, and one of the character’s has an emotional break up. I cried along with him. (That sounds so lame reading it back to myself.) This just needs to change because crying at tv shows, and during scripted weddings cool.

Being super mean is also another one. I don’t know why I’m mean to people. I just am. I just get a bit of mean-girl-itis and take it to new levels each time I get it. Maybe it’s something all girls experience, but I notice that I end up being mean to people I care about, mostly. But then again, sometimes I just think they deserve it. Like yesterday when I told my friend I was going to hang out with some of my other friends, and that was going to include drinking at a bar. She’s 20, so she can’t get in. You’d think she would understand that we’re not hanging out because I’m going drinking with adults who are 21 or have fake IDs. So she was like “well if we’re not going to hang out, tell me” … so I responded with a “what don’t you get about me going to a bar? Oh, right, you can’t get in… and what don’t you understand about that?”. Either I should be nicer, or people just need to stop being stupid.

Thirty Days of Truth (1) Something you hate about yourself. (2)Something you love about yourself. (3) Something you have to forgive yourself for. (4) Something you have to forgive someone for. (5) Something you hope to do in your life. (6) Something you hope you never have to do. (7) Someone who has made your life worth living for. (8) Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. (9) Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. (10) Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. (11) Something people seem to compliment you the most on. (12) Something you never get compliments on. (13) A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.) (14) A hero that has let you down. (letter) (15) Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. (16) Someone or something you definitely could live without. (17) A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. (18) Your views on gay marriage. (19) What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? (20)views on drugs and alcohol. (21) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? (22) Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. (23) Something you wish you had done in your life. (24) Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) (25) The reason you believe you’re still alive today. (26) Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? (27) What’s the best thing going for you right now? (28) What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? (29) Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. (30) A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Happiest day of my life.... and Day 28

I've been waiting to hear from my school if I was going to be able to graduate in May. I applied way back in December, and had overheard people say that they had been approved and applied near the deadline. Naturally, I began to think that I wasn't approved and went on a mission to find out. 

Last Thursday, I asked my advisor who directed me to the Registrar's Office, but assured me that she didn't think the Registrar's had sent out letters. 

Not being content with that answer, I went to the Registrar's the day midterm grades were due (Tuesday). It was full of professors trying to turn in grades. I'm pretty sure the people at the office didn't really want to deal with students. The person who attended me sent me to the Advising Office. 

This was probably the most helpful of all. The two women I spoke to told me that the Registrar's handles everything dealing with graduation, but that if I was really in need of knowing the Student Services' Office could give me a better idea. But, they also assured me that letters hadn't gone out. 

I'm impatient, so for the hell of it, I went to Student Services. The receptionist there doesn't really like me. This goes back to my financial aid debacle, but that's another story... She said they don't handle anything dealing with graduation (which is a lie, they distribute tickets, grad announcements and stole and cords), and that I had to call the regional offices. 

I called, and the person who answered told me that's the Registrar's job. 

I basically went on a wild goose chase. My plan was to go back on Thursday to find out what was up, and quite possibly yelling at them for making me go all over the place. But, today, I this:

Best birthday present ever. 

******

Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

If I got pregnant right now…. What would I do?

Keep it.

There was a time that I didn’t want kids. At all. They just disgusted me for some reason. But after most of my friends started having them, I began warming up to the idea that a little baby would be a good idea.

If I were to take a pee-pee test and it came back positive, I’d be happy. I don’t think I would even think twice about keeping it.

And if the person who got me pregnant isn’t ready, that’s cool. I can maintain.

Thirty Days of Truth (1) Something you hate about yourself. (2)Something you love about yourself. (3) Something you have to forgive yourself for. (4) Something you have to forgive someone for. (5) Something you hope to do in your life. (6) Something you hope you never have to do. (7) Someone who has made your life worth living for. (8) Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. (9) Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. (10) Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. (11) Something people seem to compliment you the most on. (12) Something you never get compliments on. (13) A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.) (14) A hero that has let you down. (letter) (15) Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. (16) Someone or something you definitely could live without. (17) A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. (18) Your views on gay marriage. (19) What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? (20)views on drugs and alcohol. (21) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? (22) Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. (23) Something you wish you had done in your life. (24) Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) (25) The reason you believe you’re still alive today. (26) Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? (27) What’s the best thing going for you right now? (28) What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? (29) Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. (30) A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

30DOT: Day 27

(27) What’s the best thing going for you right now?

******

Friendships.

Right now they’re the best thing ever.

Making new friends: I’ve made a few new friends here and there. Mostly all on 20sb.net. Some in classes. Either way. They all make me feel fuzzy inside. From random emails or random texts, I cherish them all.

Rekindling old friendships: These are the hardest of all. But, I’m glad that even though some friends and I have lost touch for whatever reason, that we were able to pick up our friendship like if we had just said good night and it’s the next day.

Getting rid of toxic friends: I think one can only receive so many text asking what kind of coat you’re wearing, or what kind of shoes, or jeans you’re wearing a day without thinking someone is creepy. Sorry, we don’t need to match. But this isn’t the toxicity friendship. But, I think there are things you shouldn’t tell your friends… like “you’re mean, and you don’t deserve to be happy” or “I hope that your boyfriend cheats on you”. Those are just things you don’t do… no matter how angry your friend has made you. You just don’t.

There’s nothing like friends who enable you. You know, the type of friends who go out drinking with you after a class in which you had an exam that you know you failed. And then they share a BIG plate of bread pudding with you.

Thirty Days of Truth (1) Something you hate about yourself. (2)Something you love about yourself. (3) Something you have to forgive yourself for. (4) Something you have to forgive someone for. (5) Something you hope to do in your life. (6) Something you hope you never have to do. (7) Someone who has made your life worth living for. (8) Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. (9) Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. (10) Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. (11) Something people seem to compliment you the most on. (12) Something you never get compliments on. (13) A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.) (14) A hero that has let you down. (letter) (15) Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. (16) Someone or something you definitely could live without. (17) A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. (18) Your views on gay marriage. (19) What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? (20)views on drugs and alcohol. (21) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? (22) Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. (23) Something you wish you had done in your life. (24) Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) (25) The reason you believe you’re still alive today. (26) Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? (27) What’s the best thing going for you right now? (28) What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? (29) Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. (30) A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

30DOT: Day 26

(26) Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

******

Like when haven’t I thought about giving up one life?

But, there was only really once.

This is the story about how I ended up going to my number 3 school. After crying, deciding not to go to college.

I fell in love with my number one school during my junior year in high school. From the minute I got off the bus during an open house, I knew that was the place I wanted to go to for the next four years. When I decided to apply, my high school’s guidance counselor said that they offered a free ride to a student from our school. I was ecstatic. Imagine not having to pay a private school’s tuition, room and board, and textbooks. I knew no one from my class wanted to go there, so everyone said I was a shoe-in. The worst part is, I believed it.

All my acceptance letters kept pouring in. I made the decision of where I wanted to go quickly. I waited patiently to learn if I had gotten the full ride. It never came.

I decided to pay the guidance counselor a visit, but she was too busy. I just wanted to ask if she had heard anything, but like 60% of our class who had not applied to any colleges were overcrowding the little office in an effort to get their name on the college acceptance bulletin board.

Then I got the news. On my 18th birthday. That I, Lily, who had dreamed of Number 1 school for two years, did not get the free ride.

I’m a bit of a drama queen. And often cry and mope around if I don’t get my way. I declared: I QUIT. I didn’t want to go to any other school. I liked school number one. It was far away enough for me to get away from my family, not many people from my high school went there, but it was still close enough for me to come home for holidays or if I got home sick. I was not having this “look at other schools”… because really, I only applied to them in case I didn’t get in to Number 1.

My mom wasn’t having it. She went on and on about buying postage for a bunch of schools and that I should at least attend a school in the city and try again next year. But I didn’t listen.
All my friends were deciding where they were going to go. I was moping. And attempting not to hate the girl who got the free ride. But the little mean girl in me couldn’t help it. I hated her. I felt she took something from me. And I wasn’t going to be happy.

I was forced to make a list of schools I would consider attending. And I ruled out 5 of the remaining 7. My reasons?: “Everyone from high school goes there”, or that’s a very Christian school mom, I won’t be able to wear shorts to dinner”.

That left schools Number 2 and Number 3.

Number 2 was an all girls school. And that was it’s first strike. And the only Pro I had for it was “I could take classes at an Ivy League if I go there”… but then they wanted me to fill out a million and five forms on how much money my non-custodial parent made (AKA my dad) and I voted them out. Why? Because if I put that info, I would get $0 for financial aid. And no other school asked for that.

Number 3 was a school in Wisconsin. Strike one. Small. Pro. Small town. Strike two. Everything was within walking distance, Planned Parenthood, Walgreens, tattoo shops, Walgreens. PRO. It was one of the safest cities in America. This won it a Pro from my family. It was far away from home, but close enough where I could come home. Pro. The Greyhound staion was two blocks away from campus. Pro. The only other strike I had against it was that it wasn’t Number 1.

I still had it in my head that I wasn’t going to go anywhere. And I’d just start working somewhere make some cash, and then make it big as a no-talent [insert here] - because I really had no Plan B for not adhering to Plan A. Considering I made Plan A when I was still in middle school.

School Number 3 called me after I went on their school tour. The person on the other side of the phone was just trying to get me to go to her school. I explained to her that I really didn’t want to go to school anymore. I just went because I was forced to look at other schools. She asked why. I was dumbfounded. I was confused as to why some complete stranger wanted to know why I suddenly didn’t want to get a college education. I told her I didn’t want to talk about it, because it may sound stupid to her. She insisted.

She agreed it was a shitty situation, but that it should stop me from doing something I always dreamed of. I guess I agreed.

I realized I was being stupid. So what if school Number 1 didn’t want to give me a full ride, there were 7 another schools that wanted me. I decided I was going to go to school Number 3. A school I had applied to just to see if I could get in to. I didn’t get a free ride. But I basically didn’t pay anything, even after I lost most of my merit based scholarships.

In retrospect, it wasn’t the end of the world. And I wish I could go back in time and slap myself for being stupid.

Thirty Days of Truth (1) Something you hate about yourself. (2)Something you love about yourself. (3) Something you have to forgive yourself for. (4) Something you have to forgive someone for. (5) Something you hope to do in your life. (6) Something you hope you never have to do. (7) Someone who has made your life worth living for. (8) Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. (9) Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. (10) Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. (11) Something people seem to compliment you the most on. (12) Something you never get compliments on. (13) A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.) (14) A hero that has let you down. (letter) (15) Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. (16) Someone or something you definitely could live without. (17) A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. (18) Your views on gay marriage. (19) What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? (20)views on drugs and alcohol. (21) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? (22) Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. (23) Something you wish you had done in your life. (24) Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) (25) The reason you believe you’re still alive today. (26) Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? (27) What’s the best thing going for you right now? (28) What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? (29) Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. (30) A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

30DOT: Day 25

25 The reason you believe you’re alive today

******

"A place to spend my quiet nights,

time to unwind

So much pressure in this life of mine,

I cry at times

I once contemplated suicide and woulda tried

But when I held that nine all I could see was my momma's eyes"

- 2Pac

******

Oh boy. Because I was too much of a bitch to cut really deep, in meaningful places, with actual sharp things. Really. No joke. For once, I’m being completely serious.

Maybe I was being a bit of a drama queen. Things weren’t turning out like I thought they should. And I thought the cowards way out was a good one.

It all started when one of my good friends’ was killed. I was 14 and had never experienced that kind of pain or sadness. I wasn’t sure how to process it all. I tried talking to my parents, but that didn’t really help at all. My dad didn’t know what to say or do, so he’d just let me cry. My mom would just say “get over it”. But it wasn’t that easy.

Wilbur, my friend, had lived downstairs from us since I could remember. I always saw him when I was coming home from school. He would be hanging outside our apartment building with his friends from school. That year, I was seeing alot more of him. One of his younger brothers was in my class so we often did our homework together (and by that I mean, I let him copy my answers).

That rainy September morning when I found out Wilbur was gunned down a block away our house, I just fell apart. A part of me didn’t want to believe it. A part of me thought that someone was playing a very very cruel joke. It wasn’t until I saw his mom and sister crying their eyes out

I pretended to feel better most of the time. And I never really let anyone know how I was feeling. This hasn’t changed. I bottle up emotions - no matter how serious or minute. I’d put on a happy face everywhere so no one would suspect that I was really hurting inside.

What stopped me? I’m not really sure. Maybe it was the meds. Maybe it was my friends’ constant concern. After they caught on to what I was doing. Maybe it was my parents telling me if I didn’t straighten out I was going to be sent to a third world country. Maybe it was Jesus or God watching closely.

The reason I’m alive today? I’m still trying to figure it out.


Thirty Days of Truth (1) Something you hate about yourself. (2)Something you love about yourself. (3) Something you have to forgive yourself for. (4) Something you have to forgive someone for. (5) Something you hope to do in your life. (6) Something you hope you never have to do. (7) Someone who has made your life worth living for. (8) Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. (9) Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. (10) Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. (11) Something people seem to compliment you the most on. (12) Something you never get compliments on. (13) A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.) (14) A hero that has let you down. (letter) (15) Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. (16) Someone or something you definitely could live without. (17) A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. (18) Your views on gay marriage. (19) What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? (20)views on drugs and alcohol. (21) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? (22) Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. (23) Something you wish you had done in your life. (24) Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) (25) The reason you believe you’re still alive today. (26) Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? (27) What’s the best thing going for you right now? (28) What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? (29) Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. (30) A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

30DOT: Day 24

 (24) Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) 

******

Dear every one of my ex-boyfriends,

All of you idiots lost the best thing you ever had. Either for being stupid, or because you thought something better would come along… and guess what, it hasn’t! Boohoo. But I’m reaping the benefits. You guys breaking up with me was the best thing to ever happen to me. SO THANK YOU VERY MUCHO, bitches!

John, I dedicate Ke$ha’s “Blind” to you. This sums up how you fucked yourself up by breaking up with me. I’m the best you would ever have. And only by seeing how many times you call me, text me and email me, I already know you’re going to miss me until the day you die. Sucks for you, homey. But I do like that you send me flowers every now and then.

Ricardo, I dedicate the Plain White T’s “Hate (I Really Don’t Like You)” to you. You may have thought that because we had a really uneventful break up that I would have nothing to say. Except I do. I really don’t like you because you ended up fucking one of my best friends. And really that’s why I really don’t like you.

Luis, I dedicate Sugarcult’s “Over” to you. I wish there would have been an easier way to break up with the cutest guy ever. But, alas there wasn’t. I never told you this, but I just hated the fact that everyone wanted you. I can’t really deal with competition. This was the real reason we broke up, not whatever half assed excuse the 12 year old me gave you.

Adam, I dedicate the Plain White T’s “Friends Don’t Let Friends Dial Drunk” to you. I guess I learned a valuable lesson from you. I mean, considering that it wasn’t a real serious thing, and we only called each other when we wanted some. But still… I, at least, was sober every time I wanted some.

I think this one is the worst one. Saul, I dedicate Keri Hilson’s “By You”. Pay close attention to Lil Kim’s verse. Here… I’ll just put it out there, because you’re so stupid you won’t even realize you’re being insulted:

“No whip, no job, no credit...

Me and you is like old timers ... forget it.

Ya game like an old book I got ... already read it. 

It's money on my mind boy and you just a headache. 

I need a man with a full package like FedEx. 

Money old like champagne in the cellar ...

You ain't treating me like an ATM teller.

 So fuck your little cheese, I got my own cheddar” 

… I’m not a gold digger, but you definitely were.

Finally, Jon …. I dedicate Katy Perry’s “Ur So Gay”. No explanation needed.

Love,
Lily

PS. Ex-boyfriends who weren’t mentioned: Don’t be offended, it’s a good thing you weren’t mentioned.

Thirty Days of Truth (1) Something you hate about yourself. (2)Something you love about yourself. (3) Something you have to forgive yourself for. (4) Something you have to forgive someone for. (5) Something you hope to do in your life. (6) Something you hope you never have to do. (7) Someone who has made your life worth living for. (8) Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. (9) Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. (10) Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. (11) Something people seem to compliment you the most on. (12) Something you never get compliments on. (13) A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.) (14) A hero that has let you down. (letter) (15) Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. (16) Someone or something you definitely could live without. (17) A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. (18) Your views on gay marriage. (19) What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? (20)views on drugs and alcohol. (21) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? (22) Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. (23) Something you wish you had done in your life. (24) Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) (25) The reason you believe you’re still alive today. (26) Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? (27) What’s the best thing going for you right now? (28) What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? (29) Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. (30) A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

30DOT: Days 22 & 23

(22) Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

I wish I had some really cool story about something I did that now I regret. But, I don’t. I guess because I have this philosophy of not regretting things because at that moment I did things because I felt it was the right thing to do.

I do reflect on things I’ve done, like hurting people, making them feel bad intentionally… but I don’t regret it.

I dated assholes, and let them treat me like shit and never said anything, but I don’t regret that either.

(23) Something you wish you had done in your life.

Unlike the previous bulletpoints, there are like a million things I wish I would have done.

Study Abroad.

I did everything most people want to do in college… join a Greek organization, be a nerd, fail classes, pass classes, ditch class to drink, get drunk off your ass, get high off your ass, maxing out your credit card, sexing your classmate, sexing your lab partner, sexing your friend’s friend who was visiting campus from out of town… you name it… I DID IT.

But, studying abroad… no.

It makes me a little sad. Because I could have done it. It was easily accessible. My school even has a “campus” in London. Maybe I just wasn’t interested at the time. Maybe I just didn’t force myself to apply for the programs.

I could travel now. Duh, I know this. But for some reason, I don’t think it will be as exciting. For example, many of my friends made new awesome friends while they were studying abroad. And I think that’s cool. Not that I don’t like my domestic friends, but you know.

And considering my passport doesn’t have any stamps… It would have felt awesome to fill up some pages.

Thirty Days of Truth (1) Something you hate about yourself. (2)Something you love about yourself. (3) Something you have to forgive yourself for. (4) Something you have to forgive someone for. (5) Something you hope to do in your life. (6) Something you hope you never have to do. (7) Someone who has made your life worth living for. (8) Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. (9) Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. (10) Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. (11) Something people seem to compliment you the most on. (12) Something you never get compliments on. (13) A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.) (14) A hero that has let you down. (letter) (15) Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. (16) Someone or something you definitely could live without. (17) A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. (18) Your views on gay marriage. (19) What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? (20)views on drugs and alcohol. (21) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? (22) Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. (23) Something you wish you had done in your life. (24) Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) (25) The reason you believe you’re still alive today. (26) Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? (27) What’s the best thing going for you right now? (28) What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? (29) Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. (30) A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

30DOT: Day 21

(21) Your best friend is n a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Let’s just say, if this hypothetically happened now, I'd probably just stay home cuddling my teddy bear underneath my 50 warm blankets. Not because most of my friends are sucking the big one right now, but it’s so freaking cold out. And well, I don’t feel like freezing my ass off.

But, okay, so let’s say it’s not -30˚F… and let’s say my friends aren't assholes… and we generally have a great relationship with an occasional hiccup…. What would I do?

I guess I would put aside whatever it was that made us fight in the first place. It seems too vague of an answer. Because really, it all depends on why we got in a fight. Don’t sit there and judge me because you know it’s true.

Let’s say, they just disagreed with me on something trivial. I’d swallow my pride and rush to their aid. Because if t wasn’t really that important, why should I let that affect our friendship… so I’d run my ass to their hospital bed. End of story.

Let’s say they did something that is unforgivable… they bad mouthed my family, or something equally as upsetting. Then she better call someone else. I know it sounds mean, but, hey, my family is number one, and I’d never let anyone talk smack about them. Ever.


Thirty Days of Truth (1) Something you hate about yourself. (2)Something you love about yourself. (3) Something you have to forgive yourself for. (4) Something you have to forgive someone for. (5) Something you hope to do in your life. (6) Something you hope you never have to do. (7) Someone who has made your life worth living for. (8) Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. (9) Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. (10) Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. (11) Something people seem to compliment you the most on. (12) Something you never get compliments on. (13) A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.) (14) A hero that has let you down. (letter) (15) Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. (16) Someone or something you definitely could live without. (17) A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. (18) Your views on gay marriage. (19) What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? (20)views on drugs and alcohol. (21) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? (22) Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. (23) Something you wish you had done in your life. (24) Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) (25) The reason you believe you’re still alive today. (26) Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? (27) What’s the best thing going for you right now? (28) What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? (29) Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. (30) A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

30DOT: Day 20

(20) Views on drugs and alcohol

Booze = Good. Always. Unless you’re pregnant. In that case, booze is bad. And I’m sure there are other reasons why some people shouldn’t drink.

Drugs… hmmm…

I’ve only ever smoked the green stuff. And it was mostly while in middle school and high school. I hung out with alot of people who were bad influences. The first time I ever smoked pot, I was in 7th grade. Then, in 8th grade I used peer pressure to get my friends to do it too. Oh yeah, I told them “all the cool kids are doing it” and they gobbled it up. At the time, I thought I was a little bad ass. But then, when I saw my friends getting into bad habits I realized that maybe some people are more prone to do other types of drugs.

In college, I was given opportunities to try different drugs, but I politely declined. I wasn’t really interested in doing anything else. I liked booze more anyway. But boy, did I see people act crazy.

Generally, I don’t care if other people do drugs.

As for booze… I enjoy it. I’ve also had my issues with it. A few years ago, I had a dependency problem/borderline alcoholism. I was having a shitty time with everything and everyone, and at the end of the day, it felt good to drink half a bottle of vodka. I was about 20 at the time. There were times I would drink before school too.

I would also drink to get drunk. Not to enjoy myself. My goal was always to not remember the night before.

I don’t remember when it clicked in my head that I was going about it all wrong. I scaled back my booze in take and felt better. And I learned that moderation is key.

So I pass on that piece of advice: Everything in moderation is good. Maybe even drugs…. Who knows. But if you like the booze, trust me, one drink is okay. There is no need to drink an entire bottle by yourself, in your room, while you’re watching the entire DVD collection of The OC or Friends.

Now, I don’t drink as much or as often as I did. Sometimes I laugh when I see people my age act like college freshmen when they drink. Really guys? C’mon, stop making rookie mistakes when it comes to booze. I still enjoy a glass of wine here and there, or a gin and tonic at a night club. But I think I’m a little too old to do the drink until I puke thing intentionally.



Thirty Days of Truth (1) Something you hate about yourself. (2)Something you love about yourself. (3) Something you have to forgive yourself for. (4) Something you have to forgive someone for. (5) Something you hope to do in your life. (6) Something you hope you never have to do. (7) Someone who has made your life worth living for. (8) Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. (9) Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. (10) Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. (11) Something people seem to compliment you the most on. (12) Something you never get compliments on. (13) A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.) (14) A hero that has let you down. (letter) (15) Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. (16) Someone or something you definitely could live without. (17) A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. (18) Your views on gay marriage. (19) What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? (20)views on drugs and alcohol. (21) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? (22) Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. (23) Something you wish you had done in your life. (24) Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) (25) The reason you believe you’re still alive today. (26) Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? (27) What’s the best thing going for you right now? (28) What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? (29) Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. (30) A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

30DOT: Day 19

I'm slacking I know. But! I'm detereminded to finish this before, random date ... my birthday? Yes. Okay. By the end of March.


Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

I think I’ve been hella procrastinating on this, but I’ve also been stuck.

I decided not to write about religion again. So that leaves politics.

What is there to think about it? I believe that I have a civic duty to vote for the right person for a job and this or that, insert generic answer.

I think Chicago politics have jaded me. I didn’t know is was okay to be able to inherit a political office from your parent when he dies. The total disregard for the line of succession, patronage jobs, tax hikes… not something that has made me want to keep track of what happens politically in this city and in the county. I know that this might be the opposite of what’s supposed to happen, but every time I watch the local news there’s always something along the lines of “President Strogers’ [insert familiarity & governent title here] was convicted of blah blah blah costing Cook County residents blah blah blah in tax dollars”.

Because of local government fiascos, I don’t follow local or state wide and even nation wide politics. At times, I find it pointless, but still, I make it out to the polls every election day.


Thirty Days of Truth (1) Something you hate about yourself. (2)Something you love about yourself. (3) Something you have to forgive yourself for. (4) Something you have to forgive someone for. (5) Something you hope to do in your life. (6) Something you hope you never have to do. (7) Someone who has made your life worth living for. (8) Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. (9) Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. (10) Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. (11) Something people seem to compliment you the most on. (12) Something you never get compliments on. (13) A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.) (14) A hero that has let you down. (letter) (15) Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. (16) Someone or something you definitely could live without. (17) A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. (18) Your views on gay marriage. (19) What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? (20)views on drugs and alcohol. (21) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? (22) Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. (23) Something you wish you had done in your life. (24) Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) (25) The reason you believe you’re still alive today. (26) Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? (27) What’s the best thing going for you right now? (28) What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? (29) Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. (30) A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

30DOT: Day 18

(18) Your Views on gay marriage.

I am very Pro-Gay Marriage. 

She’s the reason why: 

Her name is Lupe.

I found out my aunt was a lesbian when I was around nine. My family from Phoenix was visiting that summer. I remember my brother Frank, my cousin Gladys and I were watching a movie in my aunts’ room. It was sort of accidental. My aunt has rainbow colored rings hanging from her light fixture. Frank and Gladys made a joke that I don’t remember, but I remember not getting it because they both told me “I’ll tell you when you’re older”… FYI - They never did. 

I forgot what movie we were watching. But, there was some sort of chase and the chasers ran into a Pride Parade. At that moment, Gladys and Frank looked at each other and said “Tia is gay!”.  I had no idea what they were talking about. 

I started piecing the picture slowly. Rainbows. She shares a bed with a girl. Oh! She’s gay and not the happy gay. My life didn’t change at all. I still loved her as much as when I thought that her and her girlfriend were just bff’s. It was never odd to me. 

But nothing that’s out of the normal ever felt weird to me. My aunt likes girls. Cool. Why doesn’t everyone else think so? That’s what I couldn’t wrap my head around. 

For the longest time, I was boycotting marriage. Why should I be able to get married when there a many gay couples that want to be able to get married? I think I stopped my boycott when in a Political Science class a girl said, “I don’t think gays should get married because then they’ll adopt kids and screw them up in the head”. Right, because straight couples don’t do that to kids. Right. I almost cried when she said that. My aunt practically raised us. And this girl was basically saying I’m messed up in the head. Which, okay, maybe I am, but it’s not from contact with my aunt, but more from my hetero-family. She wasn’t having it.

To say I’m pro-gay marriage just for my aunt is a lie. But also for my friends who are gay. And the countless of gay couples that also want to get married. Now that I’m in a relationship that’s leading into marriage I think I wish my aunt/my friend Jesse/my friend Naaman/insert name here could be planning their future wedding like this. It makes me want to not get married. But as my aunt has told me “It’s not going to solve anything”. Maybe she’s right. 

The State of Illinois has passed a civil union bill this month. Though it’s not marriage, I’ll take this over nothing. 

Thirty Days of Truth (1) Something you hate about yourself. (2)Something you love about yourself. (3) Something you have to forgive yourself for. (4) Something you have to forgive someone for. (5) Something you hope to do in your life. (6) Something you hope you never have to do. (7) Someone who has made your life worth living for. (8) Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. (9) Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. (10) Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. (11) Something people seem to compliment you the most on. (12) Something you never get compliments on. (13) A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.) (14) A hero that has let you down. (letter) (15) Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. (16) Someone or something you definitely could live without. (17) A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. (18) Your views on gay marriage. (19) What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? (20)views on drugs and alcohol. (21) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? (22) Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. (23) Something you wish you had done in your life. (24) Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) (25) The reason you believe you’re still alive today. (26) Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? (27) What’s the best thing going for you right now? (28) What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? (29) Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. (30) A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

30 DOT: Day 17

(17) A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.


The God Delusion. 


I read Richard Dawkins' The Selfish Gene in college. I thought he was an awesome writer. The God Delusion came out during my freshman year in college, and I was given an optional assignment to read a chapter out of the book and write a response for one of my Geology classes. 


I read the chapter, but decided to skip the response. I figured I was doing well enough in that class to not have to do something optional. 


That summer, I bought the book. I think I was the only person at Borders under the age of 35 buying it. I don't know what that says about me, or what that says about my age group. 


I started reading it... didn't finish it. 


I started reading it again... could not finish it. 


I started reading it one more time... got in a little further. 


 I was raised Catholic. For a long time, I was Catholic. I don't know if I'm Catholic anymore. 


Reading this book, I began to question my beliefs on religion. 


Why are we (my family) Catholic? Because the Spanish raped and pillaged and made the Aztecs worship their God by destroying their temples and building Catholic churches over said temples.


Was I Catholic because I wanted to be Catholic? Well, maybe I was Catholic when I decided to get Confirmed, and if I chose to be Confirmed, it means at some point I wanted to be Catholic. Maybe I'm not Catholic anymore because some priests touch little boys inappropriately and I think that is wrong. Or because I'm scared to get judged by someone who may or may not exist. 


Was I Catholic because everyone else in my family is Catholic? Most likely. Just to keep tradition? 


2006/07 was a shitty time in my life. This was a time in my life where maybe I could have used some counsel from The Big Guy Upstairs. I'd often think to myself If God and Jesus love me so much, why are they letting bad things happen to me? And then some asshole would say "oh, God never gives you anything you can't handle"... yeah bitch, that's why I'm crying my eyes out for 48 hours straight, because I'm so in control. 


When things looked better, I still felt as alone. 


My friend sent me a letter, and along with the letter was one of those little inspiration cards they sell at flower shops. She sent me the Foot Prints in the Sand one. I ate it up. Yeah, that was a shitty year and a half and Jesus carried me. And he helped me see the light and it was all rainbows and sunshine.


Bull-fucking-shit. 


I'm supposed to believe someone just carried me until times were better? Yeah, no.


Am I not strong enough to help myself through rough times? Because as I recall... Jesus wasn't doing my homework. God wasn't writing letters of re-admittance, and the Holy Spirit wasn't standing up for me when I would fight with my dad about the situation I was in.  


Do I think religion in general causes more harm than good? I honestly don't know. What I do know is that when I think of religion, I feel very lied to. 

Thirty Days of Truth (1) Something you hate about yourself. (2)Something you love about yourself. (3) Something you have to forgive yourself for. (4) Something you have to forgive someone for. (5) Something you hope to do in your life. (6) Something you hope you never have to do. (7) Someone who has made your life worth living for. (8) Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. (9) Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. (10) Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. (11) Something people seem to compliment you the most on. (12) Something you never get compliments on. (13) A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.) (14) A hero that has let you down. (letter) (15) Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. (16) Someone or something you definitely could live without. (17) A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. (18) Your views on gay marriage. (19) What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? (20)views on drugs and alcohol. (21) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? (22) Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. (23) Something you wish you had done in your life. (24) Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) (25) The reason you believe you’re still alive today. (26) Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? (27) What’s the best thing going for you right now? (28) What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? (29) Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. (30) A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

30 DOT: Day 16

I figured, It's been a while since I posted one of these, so maybe I should post one. Plus, I'm having trouble sleeping, and maybe this will help me go to sleep. 

We left off on day 16. 

(16) Someone or something you definitely could live without.

I guess the things one could really live without are bullshit, drama, etc, etc.  I think that the more realistic things I could really live without are headaches and migraines. 

I get them alot. 

When I was in sixth or seventh grade, I started to get really bad headaches. I never told my mom until the day it hurt to even open my eyes because the light peeking in through my bedroom's blinds would make my head hurt even more. I went to the doctor... and apparently when you have really bad headaches like this... the first that they think of is: "oh you might have a tumor in your brain". 

Luckily, I didn't (and still don't).  

I was told I might need glasses. 

I went to the eye doctor, not really digging the fact that I would be a "four eyes" and how acquiring spectacles was going to hurt my street cred. In the end, I needed glasses. I started wearing them, and they fixed my headaches, and everything worked out happily ever after. 

No. Not really. 

If anything, they made my headaches worse. Granted, the first eye doctor I went to was an idiot who didn't even send out my glasses to be made until like 2 months after my visit. So I didn't have them for like 3 months. Eye sight got worse. Then the second one I went to said I didn't need glasses. So I went a year without glasses and my headaches got to the point where they would make me throw up. And the fourth one I went to made my prescription too strong. 

I didn't know this until two years ago when I started going to a new eye doctor and she did all these cool tests including dilating my pupils. For nearly 12 years I was making my headaches worse because I wasn't given the right prescriptions for my eyes. 

But even now, with the right prescription, and knowing my eyes are super healthy... I still get headaches. And they're so awful that nine out of ten times I have a headache, I most likely have to sleep it off and not be bothered with anything, because it hurts that bad. The bad thing is, there is no known source to my headaches. 

Recently I read that Botox can help with migraines, and it's FDA approved. So maybe, if I feel adventurous one day, I will consider getting botulism injected into my face to get rid of my migraines. 

Thirty Days of Truth (1) Something you hate about yourself. (2)Something you love about yourself. (3) Something you have to forgive yourself for. (4) Something you have to forgive someone for. (5) Something you hope to do in your life. (6) Something you hope you never have to do. (7) Someone who has made your life worth living for. (8) Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. (9) Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. (10) Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. (11) Something people seem to compliment you the most on. (12) Something you never get compliments on. (13) A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.) (14) A hero that has let you down. (letter) (15) Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. (16) Someone or something you definitely could live without. (17) A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. (18) Your views on gay marriage. (19) What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? (20)views on drugs and alcohol. (21) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? (22) Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. (23) Something you wish you had done in your life. (24) Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) (25) The reason you believe you’re still alive today. (26) Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? (27) What’s the best thing going for you right now? (28) What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? (29) Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. (30) A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

30 DOT: Day 14 & 15

Lately, I've just been slacking when it comes to posting on here. Mostly because of school and work. No time to do anything fun. So, maybe I'll speed up this 30 Days of Truth process and do two days at a time. 

(But not really.)

******

Day 14: A hero that has let you down.

I only really have one real hero. And she has never let me down. So to write a letter to said hero, telling her she has let me down would be a lie. And yeah. 

So Lily's hero = Not a let down (yet). 

******

Day 15: Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried living without it.

I can name many things. 

iPod, Cell phones, Computers, a bed, high heeled shoes, etc. Seriously, life without these things sucked. Especially life without high heeled shoes... trust me. I'm like 2 feet tall in a sea of girls who are 5'5 or taller. High heeled shoes were a MUST. 

But let me get a little sappy.

 I will forever have to say that Ivan is the person I cannot live without. I've tried it. It sucked. Would never want to go back to being without him.

For lack of better words... it sucked. 

No one ever made me feel the way he does. In all kinds of ways. 

I even think about it when we hit a rough patch, and we get into the most ridiculous arguments... 

A couple of weeks ago, I had a bad feeling. I've had this feeling before. And every time I've had this feeling, I ignored it and would find out that who ever I was dating was cheating on me. 

I had this feeling for a while, but I just kept ignoring it. Then one day, my friend Sam called me telling me she had a dream about my drowning and Ivan was off with another girl... and a shark was going to eat me. 

Neither of these things had anything to do with each other. But it made me ask him straight out. "Are you cheating one me?" 

I got looks of confusion and concern. Where was I getting this from... And I had no answer for him. For a while, I thought he was going to end it there, because it was obvious I was having some sort of trust issue. But in the heart to heart we had, I learned that he's in it forever. 

Excitingness... Stay tuned for wedding info. 

Thirty Days of Truth (1) Something you hate about yourself. (2)Something you love about yourself. (3) Something you have to forgive yourself for. (4) Something you have to forgive someone for. (5) Something you hope to do in your life. (6) Something you hope you never have to do. (7) Someone who has made your life worth living for. (8) Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. (9) Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. (10) Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. (11) Something people seem to compliment you the most on. (12) Something you never get compliments on. (13) A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.) (14) A hero that has let you down. (letter) (15) Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. (16) Someone or something you definitely could live without. (17) A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. (18) Your views on gay marriage. (19) What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? (20)views on drugs and alcohol. (21) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? (22) Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. (23) Something you wish you had done in your life. (24) Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) (25) The reason you believe you’re still alive today. (26) Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? (27) What’s the best thing going for you right now? (28) What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? (29) Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. (30) A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself .