30DOT: Day 25

25 The reason you believe you’re alive today

******

"A place to spend my quiet nights,

time to unwind

So much pressure in this life of mine,

I cry at times

I once contemplated suicide and woulda tried

But when I held that nine all I could see was my momma's eyes"

- 2Pac

******

Oh boy. Because I was too much of a bitch to cut really deep, in meaningful places, with actual sharp things. Really. No joke. For once, I’m being completely serious.

Maybe I was being a bit of a drama queen. Things weren’t turning out like I thought they should. And I thought the cowards way out was a good one.

It all started when one of my good friends’ was killed. I was 14 and had never experienced that kind of pain or sadness. I wasn’t sure how to process it all. I tried talking to my parents, but that didn’t really help at all. My dad didn’t know what to say or do, so he’d just let me cry. My mom would just say “get over it”. But it wasn’t that easy.

Wilbur, my friend, had lived downstairs from us since I could remember. I always saw him when I was coming home from school. He would be hanging outside our apartment building with his friends from school. That year, I was seeing alot more of him. One of his younger brothers was in my class so we often did our homework together (and by that I mean, I let him copy my answers).

That rainy September morning when I found out Wilbur was gunned down a block away our house, I just fell apart. A part of me didn’t want to believe it. A part of me thought that someone was playing a very very cruel joke. It wasn’t until I saw his mom and sister crying their eyes out

I pretended to feel better most of the time. And I never really let anyone know how I was feeling. This hasn’t changed. I bottle up emotions - no matter how serious or minute. I’d put on a happy face everywhere so no one would suspect that I was really hurting inside.

What stopped me? I’m not really sure. Maybe it was the meds. Maybe it was my friends’ constant concern. After they caught on to what I was doing. Maybe it was my parents telling me if I didn’t straighten out I was going to be sent to a third world country. Maybe it was Jesus or God watching closely.

The reason I’m alive today? I’m still trying to figure it out.


Thirty Days of Truth (1) Something you hate about yourself. (2)Something you love about yourself. (3) Something you have to forgive yourself for. (4) Something you have to forgive someone for. (5) Something you hope to do in your life. (6) Something you hope you never have to do. (7) Someone who has made your life worth living for. (8) Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. (9) Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. (10) Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. (11) Something people seem to compliment you the most on. (12) Something you never get compliments on. (13) A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.) (14) A hero that has let you down. (letter) (15) Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. (16) Someone or something you definitely could live without. (17) A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. (18) Your views on gay marriage. (19) What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? (20)views on drugs and alcohol. (21) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? (22) Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. (23) Something you wish you had done in your life. (24) Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) (25) The reason you believe you’re still alive today. (26) Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? (27) What’s the best thing going for you right now? (28) What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? (29) Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. (30) A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.