SMAC!: Shelly Edition

Hey guys, it's SMAC time again. However, this month we're paying tribute to our favorite person! Enjoy my friend Rio's post below. My post will be on Coyote Rose's Blog. 

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Hi my name is Andres Rio and I am very pleased to be writing in for Lils today. As some of you may know from my previous posts, I have participated in a certain notorious blog-ring called SMAC, aka the Shitty Movie Awareness Club. Watching and making fun of ridiculously bad movie is always a great time BUT this time it gets even more entertaining. We, the bloggers participating, decided to dedicate this month to our favorite cat-loving, funny word using, and overall "aw shucks" nice gal blogger Shelly from Shelly Talks Too Much. And so, for the month of August, the SMAC is renamed as the Shelly Movie Awareness Club. Happy birthday Shel and I hope you don't read this while eating/drinking because I wouldn't want you to spill anything on your computer. 

The task at hand was relatively simple, choose a film that a) was crappy and b) had something that reminded you of Shelly. Choosing a movie, personally, had never been easier. I had to, I just had to do my movie review on the one and only Scooby-Doo. Remember this?

This movie is almost a decade old. That's what makes it scary.

If you have never had the pleasure of chatting with Shelly, then you miss out on the fact that she utilizes the word "jeepers" in a way that neither ironic nor sarcastic. She genuinely uses that word to express surprise or shock. My initial reaction to finding this out was: 


"hahahah you're funny...wait, seriously? ...That's awesome". 


It is both cute and hilarious, which is a powerful one-two punch to get new readers (like me) to subscribe to her blog. So I instantly knew, in my heart, that Velma's "Jinkies!" was  the soul mate of Shelly's "Jeepers!", where two smart gals solved mysteries - one with monsters and the other with lazy cats. 


The 2002 film was the first in a series of 3 (and equally shitty) movies. In the beginning of the movie, the Mystery Gang breaks up due to group resentments and disputes. Freddy, played by Freddie Prinze Jr. no less, keeps being a douche and taking all the credit for solving the mystery when it was Velma who practically comes up with every answer. Daphne is tired of being used as pretty monster bait, while Shaggy and Scooby are clueless as usual. Two years later, they are all reunited by some "mysterious" invitations to a theme park, not-so-subtly called, Spooky Island. 


Before I watched this train wreck, I was expecting it not to be scary (because old school Scooby Doo was never scary) but rather hilarious. Oh no. Nope, see this movie's problem is that it solely relied on my nostalgic "oh my god remember Saturday morning cartoons?!?" feelings. Can't you see that there's a CGI produced dog named Scooby-Doo? A dude who went without shaving for a few days for Shaggy? That should be enough for you Rio. You don't really want (or need) an interesting story or some convincing acting really. Cue 86 minutes of me lying on the couch, mind barely conscious, watching the sheer corniness that was the Mystery Gang. The real mystery here was how many brain cells were dead after watching it a second time, as if I had doubted how bad it really was. Spoiler Alert: very very bad.


Now I understand that this was meant to be an all around entertaining film for the whole family and I shouldn't be all "I expected it to rock my world", but seriously people there are some standards in the movie business. Corny humor only works it you are doing it in conjunction with other types of humor. Yes, the Gang are all set in their stereotypes and yes they all have catch phrases but c'mon I am asking for some fresh material here. Okay, so Daphne learns martial arts and she has that whole fight sequence with the masked wrestler Zarkos. That was pretty cool, and I'll admit to that but the rest of the group....eh not so much.


After this trip down memory lane full of puns, "ZOINKS!", and "Jinkies!", I reminded myself that there is a reason why revamps, remakes, revisions all tend to be pretty crappy - you already have a set bar for your past. You remember your favorite movies, cartoons, and music from your childhood in a certain way and when there is an attempt to make something related to it, it can't just be okay. It has to exceed your expectations and present something new that you may not had thought of when you were younger. Otherwise, it's just the same creepy old dude in the mask yet again.

The scary growl

I’ve been really scared lately.

Like super cereal scared.

The other day, I was taking a shower. I was doing what I usually do in the shower… you know, the singing and the dancing… Don’t act like you’ve never done it.

Anyway, while I was drying off, I hear a really loud growl. I don’t know what it was. I’ve never heard anything like that in my life. It sounded like something was with my in the bathroom, growling at me. Like I was intruding.

I’m still trying to figure out what it was. Any logical explanation just doesn’t seem to fit with what happened.

Here are my theories, and why they don’t work:

Neighbors’ dog Theory 1: He wouldn’t be able to growl that loud. He’s a little yippy dog. When he growls, it sounds like he’s crying.

Neighbors’ dog Theory 2: Even if it was the neighbors’ dog, it wouldn’t explain why it sounded like it was IN my bathroom.

I’m all out of explanations. #sadface

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This is how disturbed it has me; I actually posted this on another blog I write for before realizing it wasn't this one. It was published and everything. 

Work and creepy janitors

So like a while ago, I wrote about really wanting to get some job that I randomly found on CraigsList, and I had like 3 interviews with them. Well, I ended up getting the job and have been there since Mid-May.

So, about a month ago, my boss decided to start giving me a gagillion hours. And it’s pretty cool. Work is fairly easy and somedays, I just sit around at my desk and walk around the office while I’m alone.

Well … I don’t really like being alone. Despite it being a little creepy office building; the atmosphere isn’t what scares me. Although, a few weeks ago I got scared when there were some loud storms. The building was super dark and there was lightening and super loud thunder. I kept hearing knockings coming from one of the classrooms. I was too scared to investigate, so I sat at my desk reading gossip blogs.

Anyway….

There’s a creepy janitor guy and he’s always staring at me, like creepily.

The suite my office is in is “walled” off by glass. Everyone who walks by can see me. Even though I’m like super short and can barely see over my computer’s enormous screens.

So this dude like stands in front of the glass and just stares at me. Like he’s never seen a girl before. Especially on days when I’m alone, he’ll stand in front of the windows trying to get me to look at him.

The woman’s bathroom is right across the hall from my suite. I hate when he goes in to clean is because he looks at me weirdly when he’s walking in. Uh, Yeah, dude, I’m not going to go into the bathroom while you’re cleaning it because that would be stupid of me. And plus, the sight of you kind of makes me sick.

I try to ignore it. But I just feel the creepy eyes looking at me. As soon as I realize it, I pray for my boss to walk in so he can just stop. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so uncomfortable anywhere ever.

I’m sure the janitor has a job to do too… like sweeping other places of the building. But like 50% of his day he’s trying to look into the office. I’m thinking of rearranging the office so that you can’t see me from the windows. Somehow I don’t think that’s going to work.

I think I hate it more when he comes in and tries to have conversations with me. He's trying to tell me stuff but I just stare at the computer screen. You'd think that because I'm ignoring him he'll leave, but dude just says there.

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Other than creepy janitor guy, work is pretty cool. It’s already 100000% better than when I was working at the store. There is no drama, and well, I don’t feel like I wasted an entire day doing nothing.

I don’t remember the last time I had weekends off. That was probably back in grade school, because in high school I went to school on Saturday mornings for extracurriculars and then did babysitting at night.

Life's good at the moment.