Unsuitable For Children (Pt 3)

The following is both a blessing and a curse. I think it's a blessing that even though I'm smaller than most people, and a girl, I can drink almost anybody under the table. My liver doesn't feel the same way. But who really cares about that guy? (Okay, secretly, I do). 

3) I drink too much. 

My dad just got back from a trip to Mexico about a week ago. Being a good daughter, I went to visit him after school on Monday. While I was there, he showed me home videos of our cousins drinking excessively, and it was finally proven to me that the "Alferez Gene" exists. 

The Alferez Gene, is what my mom, friends, brother and I all attribute for the heavy drinking on my dad's side of the family. It is the explanation of why someone who is 5'1, 130 lbs can drink an entire bottle of tequila by themselves and still not be drunk. But it only works if they're an Alferez. If you're not, and you attempt this, I may visit you in the hospital. Do you like flowers and/or balloons? 

Anyway, I was watching these relatives just downing beer after beer. My dad said that they were all out of beer, so he went to buy more. Sadly, they only had 40's (40 ounce bottles). No problemo! Dad said he bought 500 pesos (about $50) worth of 40's. 

This got me thinking of the first time I legally bought alcohol. I had been 21 for about 4 days. One of my best friend's, Mariel, and I share the same birthday weekend (my birthday is March 27th, hers is the 28th). We decided we'd throw a party for our birthdays when we all returned from spring break. We had a theme, a location, Facebook invite, decorations. Everything except the booze. I took the opportunity to take my first trip to Woodman's (a grocery store with their own liquor store. Commonly in Northern IL and WI). My other friend, Claire, and I went in got a shopping cart and started filling it up. Claire filled up the seat part of the cart, I filled up the rest. My tab was about $200. I had bought everything. Gin, tequila, vodka, rum, mixers, cups, blackberry schnapps. You name it, it was in the cart. About 50% of the booze was used for later parties during that trimester. Not to mention, at the end of the year, I still came home with alot of booze even after giving it away to underagers. 

I went to a school with a bar on campus. Once I turned 21, I was there half of the time I was awake. Luckily, there were no kids there. Most of the bar tenders already knew what I liked to drink. I'd give them $20 tips for knowing me so well. 

Downtown Appleton is an alcoholics' heaven. Every other establishment is a bar. Dear God, why am I an Alferez?! Needless to say, our Friday nights began at happy hour in the Viking Room (campus bar), continued down College Avenue, and ended Sunday morning with a horrible hangover. 

I'm trying to decided which drinking story is worse, and by worse I mean best. The first time I got drunk in college, my 22nd birthday party, or the day one of my sorority sisters visited Claire and I in Chicago. They all end in puke. Want to hear all three? Yeah, I know you do. 

The first time I got drunk in college was when my dorm neighbor threw a party. I don't know how, or why I let myself drink THAT much. We were all next door pre-partying for a frat party ... dancing and just having a good time. I remember drinking alot, and downing everything I was given. Then I started drinking whatever my friends were leaving in their cups. The inevitable happened. I had to go "break the seal". I just needed to go bad... I didn't care if I had to pee every 3 seconds. My bladder just couldn't hold it any longer. The bathroom was two doors down. Lily didn't make it. I puked right in front of the lounge.  I still walked to the bathroom to empty my bladder. Then our RA found out that I had puked (the evidence was on my shirt), and she sent me to bed. That night sucked. Well not really. I escaped from my room, went somewhere else with my teddy bear, and I think this was the night I met one of my future sorority sisters while she was a prospective student. 

My 22nd birthday was ha-ha funny. $30 got us an open bar at some club in downtown Chicago. My friend from high school also worked promoting the club's events so as a gift he got me and my guests bottle service for the night. Uh, bad idea. First off, before clubbing, I went out to dinner with some friends, and I had a few drink there. By the time I got to said club, I was already tipsy. I had a couple of drinks with my two early bird friends. My friend Diana came, and she brought like 10 of her friends. When they got there, I started drinking more. Then we started taking shots. It was bad. I got tired of dancing so I started drinking from the bottle I had gotten as a gift. I drank about 75% of a full size Grey Goose bottle. All. By. Myself. It was about 1 am, and I went back to the dance floor. 

Now this is what my friend Sierra told me, so I'm not even sure it actually happened this way. I was supposedly dancing with some sketchy looking guy, and she could see the look of disgust in my face. She came up to me to save me from this guy. So this guy told her he wanted to take me out, and my friend said NO. She pulled me away from him, and they started arguing... while they were arguing, I ran to the nearest trash can and puked. It was time to go home. I woke up the next day on the couch, I couldn't even move, talk, open my eyes so I called off of work.  

That wasn't as bad as the day Claire and I went to meet our friend Amanda who was visiting with her friend Katie. So, Amanda's friend Katie is from Chicago also. Claire, Amanda, Katie and I all went to the same school. It was Katie's birthday so she was in town visiting her family. We met at one of her favorite spots because Friday night is $5 Long Island Ice Tea pitchers. Another of Katie's friends joined us there. We were all talking, joking and drinking, having an all around good time. After about the 3rd pitcher, I said "Katie what is your favorite shot, because I'm buying because it's your birthday!" she answered, "anything". I voted tequila. I bought 5 shots of tequila, and in honor of Katie's birthday, we downed them. Without lime. Without salt. Without a chaser. Then we decided to get another pitcher. According to Claire, the decision was unanimous that we had to have a 5th pitcher so we could say that we each drank one. Bad idea. 

On our way home, Claire and I had trouble walking. Which, I mean, I have trouble walking while sober, so imagine drunk. We walked back to the L which was closed for the night. Our last option was to take a cab. I was so drunk (read: hot) that I was stripping in the backseat of the cab. Apparently also moaning and looking like I was going to die. Claire was a little less drunk and said that the cabbie kept asking "Is she going to be sick?" while I answered "If I'm going to puke, I'll tell you!". I did puke. But not in the cab (yay saving myself a $2.50 fee). After the cabbie left us a block from Claire's apartment, i puked in the sewer... then on my shoes, then on her steps. I spent the night at Claire's. I ended up going home early the next morning because I had to be at work later that night. Well, that didn't happened. About half way home, I started feeling like I was going to throw up again. I knew I had to. I was going to get off a few stops before my stop so I could puke in a trash can, but the feeling passed and it turned out I only had to burp. 

I saw myself in each of those relatives. Not only because we look alike (another perk of being an Alferez), but because being half their age, I drink as much as them just for funsies. I don't even drink at family functions ... but if I did I would be like every single person in those videos. Oh the Alferez Gene... what other shenanigans will you let  me partake in? Probably not more drinking ones.

Unsuitable For Children (Pt 2)

Ever since I can remember, I always wanted a sister. Granted, I did have one, an older one, but she died when she was a baby. I never got to meet her because all of this happened three years before I was born. So I hoped that one day I would have a sister. 

My parents got divorced when I was about five. And when my dad got remarried, he got down to business.  Yay! A new baby was going to be around. Automatically, I said, "IT'S GOING TO BE A GIRL!". 

Fuck. It was a girl. Now I have a little sister, Ale (pronounced Ah-lay, not ale like beer. Sorry, we're Mexican and have weird names). Now, now, now... don't get me wrong, I love my little sister, but, fuck, I have to be a role model. So what's the problem, right? Reread the title of the post. 

My sister is now 12, going on 13. When I was that age, I started getting boy crazy. I had my first kiss, first boyfriend, first "don't steal my boyfriend, or I'll have sex with the love of your life" fight, and other stories like that. I know for a fact that she already has a boyfriend (one time, she checked her email on my computer and forgot to sign out, I thought it was my email, and accidently opened an email from her "boyfriend").  It's only a matter of time before she asks me for dating/love/sex/backstabbing friends advice. Which brings us to reason number 2 as to why I'm unsuitable for children: 

2) I give horrible [dating] advice.

I try not to give advice because I'm horrible at it. I know people want to hear something cute and what they shouldn't do. But I do the opposite. I tell them the truth and then they get mad. So, I don't, or try not to give any kind of advice. 

Well, I'm even worse at giving dating advice. First off, I have like the worst love life. Ever. It's just now starting to get bearable.  

My first real boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend at the time, then he started dating another of my friends and never told me we were broken up. Technically, I guess we're still dating. 

I dated a bunch of assholes. Including one that told me, "No, you're not breaking up with me, because I'm not going to let you break up with me" when I tried breaking up with him because he cheated on me. And other things like "you're a bitch because you don't let me fuck other girls". 

I met my current boyfriend online in an AOL chatroom when I was 15. He was 16. Remember those things they used to tell us in school? Like don't meet people off the internet, they could be pedophiles and stuff like that? I know! He could have been a pedophile. Hell, he could have been a murderous 16 year old. Luckily, he wasn't/isn't. I can imagine telling my little sister "Okay, so don't meet anyone off the internet because they can be creepos," and then getting an answer like "oh but you're dating someone you met online,". Yeah... about that.... I didn't plan for him to be the love of my life. I just thought he was going to be a guy I dated for a while, made out with regularly and had sex with once a month. I didn't think he was going to be someone I was going to break up with every two months, and then lose touch with for a few years, and then get back together as adults. So take that, Ale!

So sorry, don't come to me for advice about boys, losing weight, college, or what you should wear on your first date. I'll tell you something along the lines like "uh... oh, look at the time ..." and then runaway from you until you've figured it out for yourself.

******

So, Ale, sorry that your only sister sucks at life and can't give you good advice on guys. Luckily, I have a ton of sorority sisters that can help you if you so need it. If you decide to date an asshole or internet boy, I may be of help. Otherwise, just look through my cell phone. 

Back to Learning

This week marks the beginning of the new semester. I feel that everyone is posting back to school posts, so why not? Right? Instead of writing about my first week (which was pretty awesome, by the way) I decided to tell you of what you should do if you're ever in a class with me.

1) Don't sit next to me if you recognize me from a previous class together. 

Okay, maybe not so much of a "don't do this". Unless we talked in the previous class (aside from class discussion) then don't. If I didn't talk to you then, nothing is going to change this semester. Like these two kids who sit next to me in my math class. They only sit next to me because we had a class together last semester. Did they talk to me? No. Do they know my name? Probably not. I let it slide once, because, first day, people come in late, whatever, it was probably just a coincidence. But today, they sat next to me again, and I was sitting in a completely different place than last time AND had gotten their super early. As much as I like playing musical chairs, I don't want to play musical chairs with people who I am not acquainted with.

2) If you do sit next to me, don't expect me to babysit your belongings if you leave the class for the entire class period. 

First off, how do you expect to pass a class if you're outside of the classroom for the entire class time? I mean, really. Secondly, you're not paying me to tell people to say "that seat is taken" or something along those lines. If you stepped out to the bathroom, okay, I understand. But if you're out making conference calls during class time maybe you should have thought about your schedule outside of class before committing. 

3) If you do sit next to me, please make sure you've taken care of your personal hygiene. 

If  you're in college/university, I would assume you're 18+ (unless you're a super baby). If at 18, 19, 20 - 50, you're still having issues with showering/bathing, brushing your teeth, proper use of deodorant and other forms of masking smell ... there's a huge problem.

4) If you're sitting next to me and next to your friends, please don't talk.

Pretend the class room is a movie theater and just shut up. You won't die if you and your friend don't talk for an hour and twenty minutes. Trust me, you won't. I haven't talked to some of my friends in days, and we're all still alive. Plus, I hate to sound like a mom, but we're at school to learn. 

Unsuitable For Children (Pt 1)

Children should not be allowed near me if they are not related to me. I truly am a bad influence. I am the girl who most people meet when she's hella drunk. It makes for funny conversation, but not funny conversations while hanging out with kindergartners. I'm going to compile a list of ways I'm not suitable for children, because those kids need to be warned about my existence, kind of like the boogey man, but not as scary. I guess more like a "real" urban legend.

1) Wardrobe choices upset mothers. 

Every day is skirt day, no matter how cold it is outside. A little fashion tip I picked up somewhere along the way. 

Today on the train, this woman told me my skirt was too short. Her and her two kids were sitting nowhere near me, but once I got up she made it a point to walk up to me and tell me this. When she walked up to me, I thought she was going to tell my my zipper was down. I checked quickly. Nope, it wasn't. I wanted to say "well, then don't look at my awesome legs", but I thought maybe that's not the reason she was telling me this. I just said, "ummm.... okay?"

Why? I don't know. Is it really too short? Maybe for her. To me, it's normal length. But, I'm also 5'0 and most things I consider long, like pants, capris, pajama pants.

Once I got into the building, I had to go see if she was right. She was wrong. My skirt was indeed not too short. I, for one, could not see my underwear, nor could any of the other girls in the bathroom. I also asked them if they thought it was too short. They said... "no". What a crazy lady.

Okay, so maybe the lady was a prude. Maybe she was trying to shield her kids from seeing women's legs. I don't know. But there were definitely girls with shorter bottoms than me. Why was I being singled out? I would understand her moral obligation to tell me I was having a wardrobe malfunction if she had been sitting next to me, or across from me, or diagonally from me, but she almost bolted across the train car to tell me this. Was my thigh super exposed for her liking? Maybe. I would hate for her to be on the train when I'm sitting, because then my thigh really would be super exposed.

Following Her Own Blog!

While fooling around on blogger, I noticed that you can follow your own blog. It seems kind of ridiculous, and because I do ridiculous things, I HAD to do it.

These were my 5 lonely followers. Notice that little green space that wanted to be occupied by someone's face/picture.

Being a bored little girl, I decided to click follow. I followed all the steps you take when you follow any blog on blogger. And came to the decision that I would publicly follow my own blog. I expected blogger to tell me something along the lines of what Facebook told me when I tried to block myself: "you can't follow yourself".

Much to my surprise, that wasn't the case. It let me follow myself.

I like feeling important to myself. I tried this on twitter too, it told me I can't follow myself. Which kind of sucks, but whatever, I can just read my tweets on my blog if I really need to.

I'm still working on blocking myself on Facebook.

4, Sometimes 5, Reasons a Guy Chases an Ex

There a very few people who's opinions really matter to me. Most of them are my best friends, and some family members. One of my friends' opinions on guys, for some reason, really matters to me. Upon telling him that my boyfriend and I got back together, he had some interesting things to say. Most of them can be summed up in the list of reasons he gave me that guys chase their ex's. This is an excerpt from our Yahoo Messenger chat from a couple of weeks ago:

5:55:42 PM fred: normally a guy whom chases an ex girl is for 4 main reasons

5:59:56 PM fred: 1... he cheated on you... and hes had his fill of fun....2 he cant get any other girl too look at him for whatever unknown reason maybe for reasons u dont know.... 3 he was fed up of being alone and came back where he knew it was safe or 4 he just want too get regularly laid... and i know i said 4 but maybe 5 if he did or still does truley love you... but number 5 if few and far between sorry  if i made u mad

6:00:24 PM Lily: not at all

6:02:28 PM fred: they are all the main reasons a man will beg an ex too go back with them

6:02:58 PM fred: i have never dated an ex once

6:03:14 PM fred: after we split

 **************

Reason 1: He cheated on you. 

     Maybe. Maybe not. I'm not really sure. We started our on/off relationship the summer between my freshman and sophomore years in high school. We hardly saw each other which made staying in a relationship extremely difficult. So he might have, he might have not. 

Reason 2: He can't get any other girl to look at him. 

     I'm not sure if he meant because he's not good looking or what. But, he turns heads. All kinds of girls like him. Even one of his girl friends likes him. I strongly believe he can get any girl he wants. 

Reason 3: He was fed up being alone. 

     A 24, going on 25 year old fed up of being alone. I can see it. 

Reason 4: He wants to get laid regularly.

     For a while, I did believe that this was the reason we always ended up back together. I made it clear at the beginning of this turn that if that was what he wanted he could go somewhere else because I wanted something more serious a long the lines of: 

Me: If we get back together, I want to have something serious, more stable. I want it to lead somewhere.

BF: Some where like what? Marriage?

Me: Not necessarily. I just don't want you to call me when you need some. 

When we were in high school, I often felt pressured to sleep with him. I did it because I believed I loved him and I didn't know when I would see him again because we lived on opposite sides of the city and went to different high schools. Three years of this messed me up emotionally. Every guy I dated between  our break ups, I'd compare to him. No one came close to making me feel the way he did. Only one person came close.

Reason 5: He still loves you.  

     I was getting ready for school one day and got a text message that read: 

            "I don't know if this is Lily's number, but if it is, it's me Ivan". 

Knowing many people by the same name, I was confused and asked:

            "Ivan who?" 

            "Your ex-boyfriend Ivan"

Thankfully, that narrowed it down. Texting slowly turned into talking on the phone hours on end, just like when we first met. Our conversations were mostly him apologizing for ever hurting me, making me feel bad, and breaking up with me at inconvenient times (like when I moved away to college and he waited to dump me while I was away and did it over the phone). I cried. I never had an ex apologize for stuff he had done. Ever. He ended with "I never stopped loving you". I brushed it off thinking it was just another line. 

So far, he's proven he hasn't. 

$300... Oh That's Just Pocket Change

Hello, my name is Lily, and I'm a shopaholic.

Today was definately not supposed to be "Spend 300$ Day". My brother recently got a new job and I was going to help him move his tool box over to the place he's going to begin work. Since I didn't have to work today, I shot out the idea that we should go look around at the mall that's near there. He agreed.

Since school starts in a couple of weeks, I decided that it would be a good time to go out and get new clothes for the new semester. I was originally only going to buy some shirts because I had already gone shopping with my mom who bought me a bunch of shorts and jeans. But like a true shopaholic, I bought more jeans, and very few shirts.

Granted, I bought stuff I needed. There's not one thing that I bought that I'm not going to wear. I even bought clothes for work - one white polo, which honestly, I might just end up wearing it to school and/or social events.

It doesn't aggravate me that I spent that much. That's not the problem. Or, I'm not sure. Is it the problem? How do you know if you really have a problem? Would it be more  of a problem if I spent the $300 at ONE store, or is the problem that I spent $100 dollars at each store I visited?

Or is there no problem with this at all?

B.F.F

I have several best friends. Like for example, there's my work best friend, my best friend since forever, best friend in my sorority, best friend from high school/college, and stuff like that.

In general, it's hard for me to make friends. I feel like I'm a hard ass sometimes, and purposely don't let people into my inner circle. I'm afraid of, like in all relationships, getting hurt. It's true that even your best friend could hurt you, and when you two part ways, it hurts, just like a break up. I'm even inclined to say it hurts more than a break up.  Yes, it hurts more than a break up.

I've only really ever lost one best friend. I don't know how we fell out of touch. I feel like I grew up in one way, and she, in an other. I met her in 5th grade and we became close in 6th (it also helped that she lived across the street from me). I spent 3 years being so chummy, and when we went to different high schools, it was hard to keep our friendship strong. She made friends with people at her school, and I made friends with people at mine.

Then, one day, she was gone. Because of her attitude and her excessive pot smoking, her mother sent her away to live with her dad in Mexico. This was during our sophomore year in high school, which also happened to be the worst year of high school for me. My best friend was gone and I was dealing with so many issues and had no one to really talk to. Long distance phone calls were killer, and letter writing was too. When she came back a year later, I had a fond new respect for her.

Though I was glad she was back, it was made harder to reconnect. She was at a new school and now trying to juggle three groups of friends. Immediately, in my head, I thought she was trying to get rid of me as a friend. By the time senior year came, I had enough. I decided to be more active at school. I joined clubs, sports, volunteered, and set my goals high for college. I said "fuck it, if she doesn't want to be my friend, I don't want to be hers".

Before moving away to college, she told me she was proud of me for accomplishing everything I've always wanted. I felt like a complete bitch. When I moved away at the beginning of the fall, I didn't keep in touch. Nor did she. I did keep in touch with other friends (like my friend Amanda who I met in 2nd grade). Sophomore year of college, like high school, was hard too. I moved back home and I fell into a quasi-depression. I thought "hey, maybe, I can reconnect with her again". I saw her once, and said hello. She was expecting. The next time I saw her, she had given birth. I haven't spoken to her in about two years.

The loss of this friendship has really made me value the friendships I have now. Though, sometimes I don't talk much to my best friends, I love them to death. They are like the sisters I've never had (no offense to my biological sister or my sorority sisters - of which I love all of you very much).

Earlier today, I was prompted to write this because of this simple facebook chat conversation:

Me

please remind me never to brush my teeth adn then eat

it's gross tasting 

3:20pmClaire

girlfriend how did you get to be 23 years old and not figure that out?

3:20pmMe

i dont know...

3:21pmClaire

i just don't even know what to do with that

3:21pmMe

because we'd brush our teeth early and had free breakfast at school?

3:21pmClaire

mint flavored ________ is gross

3:21pmMe

yeah

3:21pmClaire

that's our life lesson of the day

It's little things like that that make me appreciate my friends (the few I have let in).