Unsuitable For Children (Pt 3)

The following is both a blessing and a curse. I think it's a blessing that even though I'm smaller than most people, and a girl, I can drink almost anybody under the table. My liver doesn't feel the same way. But who really cares about that guy? (Okay, secretly, I do). 

3) I drink too much. 

My dad just got back from a trip to Mexico about a week ago. Being a good daughter, I went to visit him after school on Monday. While I was there, he showed me home videos of our cousins drinking excessively, and it was finally proven to me that the "Alferez Gene" exists. 

The Alferez Gene, is what my mom, friends, brother and I all attribute for the heavy drinking on my dad's side of the family. It is the explanation of why someone who is 5'1, 130 lbs can drink an entire bottle of tequila by themselves and still not be drunk. But it only works if they're an Alferez. If you're not, and you attempt this, I may visit you in the hospital. Do you like flowers and/or balloons? 

Anyway, I was watching these relatives just downing beer after beer. My dad said that they were all out of beer, so he went to buy more. Sadly, they only had 40's (40 ounce bottles). No problemo! Dad said he bought 500 pesos (about $50) worth of 40's. 

This got me thinking of the first time I legally bought alcohol. I had been 21 for about 4 days. One of my best friend's, Mariel, and I share the same birthday weekend (my birthday is March 27th, hers is the 28th). We decided we'd throw a party for our birthdays when we all returned from spring break. We had a theme, a location, Facebook invite, decorations. Everything except the booze. I took the opportunity to take my first trip to Woodman's (a grocery store with their own liquor store. Commonly in Northern IL and WI). My other friend, Claire, and I went in got a shopping cart and started filling it up. Claire filled up the seat part of the cart, I filled up the rest. My tab was about $200. I had bought everything. Gin, tequila, vodka, rum, mixers, cups, blackberry schnapps. You name it, it was in the cart. About 50% of the booze was used for later parties during that trimester. Not to mention, at the end of the year, I still came home with alot of booze even after giving it away to underagers. 

I went to a school with a bar on campus. Once I turned 21, I was there half of the time I was awake. Luckily, there were no kids there. Most of the bar tenders already knew what I liked to drink. I'd give them $20 tips for knowing me so well. 

Downtown Appleton is an alcoholics' heaven. Every other establishment is a bar. Dear God, why am I an Alferez?! Needless to say, our Friday nights began at happy hour in the Viking Room (campus bar), continued down College Avenue, and ended Sunday morning with a horrible hangover. 

I'm trying to decided which drinking story is worse, and by worse I mean best. The first time I got drunk in college, my 22nd birthday party, or the day one of my sorority sisters visited Claire and I in Chicago. They all end in puke. Want to hear all three? Yeah, I know you do. 

The first time I got drunk in college was when my dorm neighbor threw a party. I don't know how, or why I let myself drink THAT much. We were all next door pre-partying for a frat party ... dancing and just having a good time. I remember drinking alot, and downing everything I was given. Then I started drinking whatever my friends were leaving in their cups. The inevitable happened. I had to go "break the seal". I just needed to go bad... I didn't care if I had to pee every 3 seconds. My bladder just couldn't hold it any longer. The bathroom was two doors down. Lily didn't make it. I puked right in front of the lounge.  I still walked to the bathroom to empty my bladder. Then our RA found out that I had puked (the evidence was on my shirt), and she sent me to bed. That night sucked. Well not really. I escaped from my room, went somewhere else with my teddy bear, and I think this was the night I met one of my future sorority sisters while she was a prospective student. 

My 22nd birthday was ha-ha funny. $30 got us an open bar at some club in downtown Chicago. My friend from high school also worked promoting the club's events so as a gift he got me and my guests bottle service for the night. Uh, bad idea. First off, before clubbing, I went out to dinner with some friends, and I had a few drink there. By the time I got to said club, I was already tipsy. I had a couple of drinks with my two early bird friends. My friend Diana came, and she brought like 10 of her friends. When they got there, I started drinking more. Then we started taking shots. It was bad. I got tired of dancing so I started drinking from the bottle I had gotten as a gift. I drank about 75% of a full size Grey Goose bottle. All. By. Myself. It was about 1 am, and I went back to the dance floor. 

Now this is what my friend Sierra told me, so I'm not even sure it actually happened this way. I was supposedly dancing with some sketchy looking guy, and she could see the look of disgust in my face. She came up to me to save me from this guy. So this guy told her he wanted to take me out, and my friend said NO. She pulled me away from him, and they started arguing... while they were arguing, I ran to the nearest trash can and puked. It was time to go home. I woke up the next day on the couch, I couldn't even move, talk, open my eyes so I called off of work.  

That wasn't as bad as the day Claire and I went to meet our friend Amanda who was visiting with her friend Katie. So, Amanda's friend Katie is from Chicago also. Claire, Amanda, Katie and I all went to the same school. It was Katie's birthday so she was in town visiting her family. We met at one of her favorite spots because Friday night is $5 Long Island Ice Tea pitchers. Another of Katie's friends joined us there. We were all talking, joking and drinking, having an all around good time. After about the 3rd pitcher, I said "Katie what is your favorite shot, because I'm buying because it's your birthday!" she answered, "anything". I voted tequila. I bought 5 shots of tequila, and in honor of Katie's birthday, we downed them. Without lime. Without salt. Without a chaser. Then we decided to get another pitcher. According to Claire, the decision was unanimous that we had to have a 5th pitcher so we could say that we each drank one. Bad idea. 

On our way home, Claire and I had trouble walking. Which, I mean, I have trouble walking while sober, so imagine drunk. We walked back to the L which was closed for the night. Our last option was to take a cab. I was so drunk (read: hot) that I was stripping in the backseat of the cab. Apparently also moaning and looking like I was going to die. Claire was a little less drunk and said that the cabbie kept asking "Is she going to be sick?" while I answered "If I'm going to puke, I'll tell you!". I did puke. But not in the cab (yay saving myself a $2.50 fee). After the cabbie left us a block from Claire's apartment, i puked in the sewer... then on my shoes, then on her steps. I spent the night at Claire's. I ended up going home early the next morning because I had to be at work later that night. Well, that didn't happened. About half way home, I started feeling like I was going to throw up again. I knew I had to. I was going to get off a few stops before my stop so I could puke in a trash can, but the feeling passed and it turned out I only had to burp. 

I saw myself in each of those relatives. Not only because we look alike (another perk of being an Alferez), but because being half their age, I drink as much as them just for funsies. I don't even drink at family functions ... but if I did I would be like every single person in those videos. Oh the Alferez Gene... what other shenanigans will you let  me partake in? Probably not more drinking ones.