In general, it's hard for me to make friends. I feel like I'm a hard ass sometimes, and purposely don't let people into my inner circle. I'm afraid of, like in all relationships, getting hurt. It's true that even your best friend could hurt you, and when you two part ways, it hurts, just like a break up. I'm even inclined to say it hurts more than a break up. Yes, it hurts more than a break up.
I've only really ever lost one best friend. I don't know how we fell out of touch. I feel like I grew up in one way, and she, in an other. I met her in 5th grade and we became close in 6th (it also helped that she lived across the street from me). I spent 3 years being so chummy, and when we went to different high schools, it was hard to keep our friendship strong. She made friends with people at her school, and I made friends with people at mine.
Then, one day, she was gone. Because of her attitude and her excessive pot smoking, her mother sent her away to live with her dad in Mexico. This was during our sophomore year in high school, which also happened to be the worst year of high school for me. My best friend was gone and I was dealing with so many issues and had no one to really talk to. Long distance phone calls were killer, and letter writing was too. When she came back a year later, I had a fond new respect for her.
Though I was glad she was back, it was made harder to reconnect. She was at a new school and now trying to juggle three groups of friends. Immediately, in my head, I thought she was trying to get rid of me as a friend. By the time senior year came, I had enough. I decided to be more active at school. I joined clubs, sports, volunteered, and set my goals high for college. I said "fuck it, if she doesn't want to be my friend, I don't want to be hers".
Before moving away to college, she told me she was proud of me for accomplishing everything I've always wanted. I felt like a complete bitch. When I moved away at the beginning of the fall, I didn't keep in touch. Nor did she. I did keep in touch with other friends (like my friend Amanda who I met in 2nd grade). Sophomore year of college, like high school, was hard too. I moved back home and I fell into a quasi-depression. I thought "hey, maybe, I can reconnect with her again". I saw her once, and said hello. She was expecting. The next time I saw her, she had given birth. I haven't spoken to her in about two years.
The loss of this friendship has really made me value the friendships I have now. Though, sometimes I don't talk much to my best friends, I love them to death. They are like the sisters I've never had (no offense to my biological sister or my sorority sisters - of which I love all of you very much).
Earlier today, I was prompted to write this because of this simple facebook chat conversation:
Me
please remind me never to brush my teeth adn then eat
it's gross tasting
3:20pmClaire
girlfriend how did you get to be 23 years old and not figure that out?
3:20pmMe
i dont know...
3:21pmClaire
i just don't even know what to do with that
3:21pmMe
because we'd brush our teeth early and had free breakfast at school?
3:21pmClaire
mint flavored ________ is gross
3:21pmMe
yeah
3:21pmClaire
that's our life lesson of the day
It's little things like that that make me appreciate my friends (the few I have let in).
1 comments:
I had something similar happen to me. It's strange to not be friends with someone who you've known your whole life. In my case, I woke up one day and realized that I'm married with two children, and my old best friend has never spent time with my kids or my husband. What's odd though is that I kind of feel like there's no room in my life for her now.
P.S. Thanks for visiting my blog earlier!
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