You're gonna get Alt-F4'd

Why do Facebook friends get mad when you don’t wish them a happy birthday?

I do check my Facebook everyday, but I’m not there to wish you a happy birthday. I’m really just there for selfish reasons. You know, like reading my wall, and seeing who has liked my status.

But look, I have some guidelines to how I wish happy birthday to people…

Family: My family will get a personal phone call and/or a birthday card mailed via USPS. Because I care.


BFF’s: Will get an email/Twitter Shout-Out/Facebook wall message/Text message, and if their birthday happens to be on a weekend, they will definitely get a drunk dial from me. Because I care.

BF’s (a peg below BFF’s, where BFF means Best Friend(s) Forever and BF means Best Friend(s) …): An e-card from Someecards.com and quite possibly a sober phone call.

The BF: Text, phone call, card, present and quality time. And if I have extra time, a baked good.

Friends: Facebook wall happy birthday wish.

If I’ve spoken to you twice in your entire life, chances are I’m not going to tell you happy birthday. It’s not that I don’t care. I’m just like, not really interested in telling you to have a great day on your birthday. Is the number of people who tell you happy birthday a better feeling than being told the same thing by people who care about you in real life?

And if we’re facebook friends and you expect me to say happy birthday… uh wow, there is something wrong with you. And if we’re still facebook friends, just know it’s because I’ve been too lazy to delete you from my friends list.

#MiddleChildProblems

If you didn’t already know. I am the middle child. Somewhat.

Both of my parents remarried after their divorce. While my mom didn’t have any more children, my dad did.

Lately I realized that my friendship with my brother is dwindling. We used to be super close. We even have matching tattoos, we like the same music, we enjoy the same nerdy things, and love the same Chicago baseball team. But like most friendships, friendships with your siblings can also go sour.

I used to be super nice. Like, I wouldn’t ever make anyone feel bad on purpose. The bad thing about that (being nice) is that people start taking advantage of it. They start sucking everything out of you, niceness, friendlyness, money, assets.

My brother fell on hard times, and I decided to help him out. No one asked me to, and he promised to pay me back every cent. This was a few years ago. As you can guess, I haven’t even seen a dollar of that. It makes me sad that this is the reason that we no longer have a friendship, and that I’m slowly considering dissowning him. Because really, he’s MY older brother. HE should be helping ME out.
I always thought that because we’re closer in age, and we have the same mom and dad, that we’d always be there for each other. And that we’d always be like BFF’s. But I think that it’s not longer like that.

I had come to be comfortable being the only girl. Then my little sister was born. I was jealous of her for a bit. I don’t know why. I guess, in my mind, I felt that I now had to share my space with her. Which, really, my space was nowhere near her. Now we’re almost inseperable despite having been born a decade apart.

Last weekend, she told me that her first memory of me was when I was baby sitting her and I took her to Wendy’s. She remembers this the most because, as she said, “it was the first day we went without fighting”. She now shares her secrets with me and asks for advice about boys and even now I find myself confiding in her too.

I never thought that the girl I was so jealous of would now be one of my best friends. Then again, I never thought that I wouldn’t have my older brother as my best friend. And now, while my relationship with my baby sister is growing, I fear that it will end up as tragic as the one I have with my brother.

Isn’t my job to make sure that no one hurts my sister? But what if I end up hurting her the way my brother hurt me?

What is wrong with my liver?

I used to be a big drinker. I have a ton of Facebook pictures to prove it too. I also have white polos stained from red margarita mix to show that I was a big boozer.

But lately... not so much.

Last weekend, I went drinking with my boyfriend. I had a total of two vodka crans, and felt completely buzz and almost drunk. With two drinks. WTF.

I noticed this decline a few months ago. I went out to dinner with some friends. During dinner, I was drinking and I was fine. Most likely because of the food. But once we hit the bars, it was another story. I was slurring, not finishing drinks, taking forever to finish the ones I did finish, and by the end of the night I was schwasted.

And then the next day, I had the worst headache ever...

My liver hates me now. It doesn't let me me drink more than a few drinks before I feel like collapsing.



But seriously, Booze, I miss you. Lots. Don't get me too drunk with a few drinks. Remember when I used to drink bottles of you by myself? I miss those days too. But like really, I'm going to drink this weekend, and don't get me drunk to the point I end up making a fool of myself in front of my boyfriends' friends, OKAY?

Plus, I don't feel like changing my blog's name to: Is it too early for a kiddie cocktail?

I'm a Mac, and don't really like this PC

I'm kind of an idiot.

Okay, not kind of. I am. I don't know if I lost my phone charger or forgot it at work. No big deal. I can still charge my phone. Since I have an iPhone, I can charge it with my iPod's USB charger. But I don't have a computer. Not that I don't have one. I do. I have a cute little MacBook. Except... My power adapter stopped working. Yeah... STOPPED. Nothing's wrong with it. And since having a Mac, this has been my only problem with Apple. Take a look for yourself, I'm not the only one.

I ended up hijacking my brother's computer so I could charge my phone. And let me tell you... I'm glad I do not have a PC anymore.

Homeboy never uses his computer. When he does, it's just to watch DVD's. So why the hell did it take his stupid computer 20 minutes to fully start up? Like, I turned it on, and selected the Guest profile, and it was 1) Norton needs to start up... 2) DivX Update needs to start up ... 3) Blah blah blah Dashboard loading ... 4) so and so was not shut down properly... 5) Blah blah blah program needs to be rebooted.

NO stupid Toshiba, just open Firefox so I can check my email... and did it do that? No. It opened Internet Explorer (FOR NO REASON). And told me it wasn't the default browser and if I wanted to make it the default browser, if I did, I had to update to IE8. No IE7, I don't want to make you or your older brother IE8 the default browser on my brother's computer. TYVM!

After the 20 minute start up, I plugged in my iPhone to be charged. And it didn't. But at least that I get why. The computer kept asking me if I wanted to sync my phone and if I wanted to format it to a PC. This made sense to me. But still, after the 50 million questions, you should charge my damn phone.

I really miss my Mac. It started up fast, and doesn't act like a total douchebag.

This is the PC's stinky attitude: OHAI! You just woke me up. Let me get some coffee and then I'll help you .... Okay, I've had my coffee now, but I drank too much too fast and now I have to go pee .... Man! I just pee'd and dropped a deuce, so now I have to shower BRB, K? .... Eh, You weren't in a hurry right? Because I opted for a bubble bath ... You still need help? Oh, okay, I guess I can help you now. Except now I overheated and I'm going to faint.

And my Mac's all like: Good morning, I understand you need help. I'm at your service.

Step your game up, PC!

Shitty Movie Awareness Club!: The Animation Edition

This month, I decided to participate in Nug's blogring about shitty movies. This month's theme was animated films. I wrote my review on the 1990's Jetson's Movie. And you can read it over at Nyx's blog. Here is Harley from No Pressures No Diamonds.:

SMAC: The Little Mermaid


I should state for the record that I have never really liked The Little Mermaid. I watched it once when I was a chizzler and just wasn't impressed by Ariel; she was a snotty, selfish little brat with an enormous forehead and an expression that made her look like she should be institutionalised for her own good.

She's also one of those Disney princesses that popped right out of the I-would-sacrifice-anything-for-mah-man mold, complete with mooning sighs and a total lack of dignity or sense. She is unbearable.


So of course, when I heard we were doing animated films for SMAC this month, I decided to give The Littlest Merbrat another shot. I went into it with an open mind. I swear. Maybe I had been too young to fully appreciate the wonder of the movie the first time around? After all, The Little Mermaid is one of Lor's favourite movies, and she (usually) has impeccable taste...


But no. It was worse than I remembered. Ariel is THE WORST DISNEY PRINCESS OF ALL TIME. And now I'm going to go through the movie with you to refresh your memory on why exactly this is so.


********************


We start with Prince Eric, he of the unnaturally blue eyes, on one of his - presumably many - ships. He's obviously never opened a book, because he's never heard of mermaids and he looks like he's in his twenties. He's young, he's hot, he's rich, he's a prince. Moving on.


After a quick shot of chiseled mermen with abs of steel, which I assume is placed there so that you can see that Ariel has her pick of hot, nubile fishyfolk, we quickly move to Triton's concert. This is where we first find out that Ariel is a thoughtless, selfish brat, who hasn't gone to any of the rehearsals for her own father's concert that he's been looking forward to for ages. Not only that, but now that the night has come she hasn't even bothered her tail-end to show up. She ruins her dad's concert and also the dreams of a little crab composer. What a bitch.


His other six daughters all turn up, dutifully doing their bit, but Ariel is off indulging her own sad obsession with human artifacts. In doing this she (selfishly - keep an eye on this, you'll notice it becomes a trend) puts her friend Flounder in danger from being eaten by a shark, and laughs off his fear while calling him a Guppy, which I guess is the sea equivalent of calling somebody a weedy wuss. We find out that Ariel likes to find human utensils like forks and the like, and then bring them to a seagull who spins stories about what they're used for. Naturally, Ariel eats up his every word (not very smart, this one).


Our heroine finally remembers that the world doesn't revolve around her, and goes to find her father. She apologises but uses the excuse 'I just forgot' and then gets annoyed and stroppy when that doesn't cut the mustard. She throws an 'I'm SIXTEEN OMFG LET ME DO WHAT I WANT' tantrum and bursts into histrionic teenage tears before swimming out melodramatically.


At this point in the movie, I want to slap Ariel with her own fish tail and tell her to get it together.


With the fervour of a Belieber who's spotted Justin Bieber on the street, Ariel follows Prince Eric around on his birthday, watching him from the side of the boat like a true stalker. Of coursethere is suddenly a huge storm and the ship is struck by lightning before sailing right into some big jagged rocks (best birthday EVAR). Eric manages to get into a lifeboat but at the last minute he goes back to save his Dulux dog, Max, who is stranded on the burning ship. Max is the only one in this movie showing half a gram of sense so far, so I'm glad that somebody had the presence of mind to save him.


Eric almost drowns, Ariel saves him and drags him up to a deserted beach where she sings him a creepy love song. Eric wakes up and Ariel speeds away before she's spotted for what she is.


Ursula, the fabulous, full-bodied baddie, spots her chance and rubs her tentacles with glee as Ariel spins herself a delusional love story where Eric has already fallen for her and they live happily ever after. The little twerp plucks petals off a seaflower, mumbling 'he loves me, he loves me not' and when she reaches the last petal ('he loves me!') she screams "I knew it!" and clutches the petal to her non-existent chest. I only just prevent myself from punching the screen.


Ariel swims away from a rousing rendition of Under The Sea to find that Flounder, her moron fish friend, has somehow managed to drag a huge-ass statue of Prince Eric into her little shrine to humanity. She reacts in the same way most teenage girls would to having a cardboard cutout of their favourite singer placed in their room - she rubs herself all over it and pretends it's real. Thankfully Triton finds out about her little cave, shows up, and blasts the whole thing to smithereens. Ariel bursts into tears again. Much to my delight.


Flotsam and Jetsam show up to tempt Ariel into visiting Ursula. Anybody with a brain would know that they're evil henchmen, but not Ariel.




She sticks her nose in the air and snootily tells Sebastien to mind his own damn business. "Why don't you go tell me father? You're good at that!" ZING!


This is getting extrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeemely long, so I'll try to wrap it up. Ursula offers her legs for three days in return for Ariel's voice, and Ariel signs her vocal chords over for a pair of pins. For a Disney movie, she spends an indecent amount of time nekkidassnaked with her firecrotch right at the eye-level of her hapless friends.





Max, the dog who has been gifted with the alloted amount of common sense that should have gone to everybody else in this dumb movie, finds Ariel and recognises her. Eric crosses her off the list of girls that may one day be his wife because she's mute, but drags her back to his castle anyway because he's a humanitarian.


Somebody with no fashion sense sticks Ariel into a pink dress that washes her complexion out completely, and she gets to have a wordless dinner with the Prince and his manservant. Then she puts on another hideously pink nightgown and falls fast asleep.


Meanwhile Triton is at his wits' end because his daughter is too selfish and self-involved to let him know she's okay. He searches for her everywhere.


Ariel goes on a day trip with Eric. Somebody has found Aurora's woodland gown and slightly modified it so she can wear it to lure the Prince into her underage web of lust. Eric, who may possibly be gay, won't kiss her so Sebastien starts singing Barry-Manilow-style to get them in the mood. FINALLY Eric leans forward but just then they get capsized and the kiss doesn't happen.


Unlike real life, where sexual tension + wet clothes = ridiculous amounts of lusty kissing, in Disney movies getting drenched is an instant mood-killer, so Ariel comes away from her date sans kiss, sans grope, sans even a peck on the cheek.


I'm kind of glad. Eric can do better.


Ursula whips herself into shape in a hot minute and transforms into a sexy brunette with attitude. Eric finds her and wastes no time in proposing. Who needs the intimate knowledge, trust and love of a person to get hitched?


Even my shortening isn't making this any shorter. I'll try harder.Try to read this in a single breath. Are you ready? Breathe deep, now:


Wildlife disrupts wedding.
Ariel gets voice back.
Ursula snatches Ariel and drags her back into the sea.
Eric is dumbfounded (as you would be).
Triton tries to save Ariel.
Ariel tries to excuse her behaviour by saying "Daddy I'm sorry, I didn't mean to!" Which, let's be fair, is a complete lie.
Triton gives himself up to save Ariel even though she hasn't done a damn thing in this movie to show she has qualities worth saving.
There's a big sea battle.
Ursula dies.
Triton gives Ariel legs again so she can live with Eric.
Eric and Ariel live happily ever after forever and ever amen.


*PHEW*