This month, I decided to participate in Nug's blogring about shitty movies. This month's theme was animated films. I wrote my review on the 1990's Jetson's Movie. And you can read it over at Nyx's blog. Here is Harley from No Pressures No Diamonds.:
SMAC: The Little Mermaid
I should state for the record that I have never really liked The Little Mermaid. I watched it once when I was a chizzler and just wasn't impressed by Ariel; she was a snotty, selfish little brat with an enormous forehead and an expression that made her look like she should be institutionalised for her own good.
She's also one of those Disney princesses that popped right out of the I-would-sacrifice-anything-for-mah-man mold, complete with mooning sighs and a total lack of dignity or sense. She is unbearable.
So of course, when I heard we were doing animated films for SMAC this month, I decided to give The Littlest Merbrat another shot. I went into it with an open mind. I swear. Maybe I had been too young to fully appreciate the wonder of the movie the first time around? After all, The Little Mermaid is one of Lor's favourite movies, and she (usually) has impeccable taste...
But no. It was worse than I remembered. Ariel is THE WORST DISNEY PRINCESS OF ALL TIME. And now I'm going to go through the movie with you to refresh your memory on why exactly this is so.
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We start with Prince Eric, he of the unnaturally blue eyes, on one of his - presumably many - ships. He's obviously never opened a book, because he's never heard of mermaids and he looks like he's in his twenties. He's young, he's hot, he's rich, he's a prince. Moving on.
After a quick shot of chiseled mermen with abs of steel, which I assume is placed there so that you can see that Ariel has her pick of hot, nubile fishyfolk, we quickly move to Triton's concert. This is where we first find out that Ariel is a thoughtless, selfish brat, who hasn't gone to any of the rehearsals for her own father's concert that he's been looking forward to for ages. Not only that, but now that the night has come she hasn't even bothered her tail-end to show up. She ruins her dad's concert and also the dreams of a little crab composer. What a bitch.
His other six daughters all turn up, dutifully doing their bit, but Ariel is off indulging her own sad obsession with human artifacts. In doing this she (selfishly - keep an eye on this, you'll notice it becomes a trend) puts her friend Flounder in danger from being eaten by a shark, and laughs off his fear while calling him a Guppy, which I guess is the sea equivalent of calling somebody a weedy wuss. We find out that Ariel likes to find human utensils like forks and the like, and then bring them to a seagull who spins stories about what they're used for. Naturally, Ariel eats up his every word (not very smart, this one).
Our heroine finally remembers that the world doesn't revolve around her, and goes to find her father. She apologises but uses the excuse 'I just forgot' and then gets annoyed and stroppy when that doesn't cut the mustard. She throws an 'I'm SIXTEEN OMFG LET ME DO WHAT I WANT' tantrum and bursts into histrionic teenage tears before swimming out melodramatically.
At this point in the movie, I want to slap Ariel with her own fish tail and tell her to get it together.
With the fervour of a Belieber who's spotted Justin Bieber on the street, Ariel follows Prince Eric around on his birthday, watching him from the side of the boat like a true stalker. Of coursethere is suddenly a huge storm and the ship is struck by lightning before sailing right into some big jagged rocks (best birthday EVAR). Eric manages to get into a lifeboat but at the last minute he goes back to save his Dulux dog, Max, who is stranded on the burning ship. Max is the only one in this movie showing half a gram of sense so far, so I'm glad that somebody had the presence of mind to save him.
Eric almost drowns, Ariel saves him and drags him up to a deserted beach where she sings him a creepy love song. Eric wakes up and Ariel speeds away before she's spotted for what she is.
Ursula, the fabulous, full-bodied baddie, spots her chance and rubs her tentacles with glee as Ariel spins herself a delusional love story where Eric has already fallen for her and they live happily ever after. The little twerp plucks petals off a seaflower, mumbling 'he loves me, he loves me not' and when she reaches the last petal ('he loves me!') she screams "I knew it!" and clutches the petal to her non-existent chest. I only just prevent myself from punching the screen.
Ariel swims away from a rousing rendition of Under The Sea to find that Flounder, her moron fish friend, has somehow managed to drag a huge-ass statue of Prince Eric into her little shrine to humanity. She reacts in the same way most teenage girls would to having a cardboard cutout of their favourite singer placed in their room - she rubs herself all over it and pretends it's real. Thankfully Triton finds out about her little cave, shows up, and blasts the whole thing to smithereens. Ariel bursts into tears again. Much to my delight.
Flotsam and Jetsam show up to tempt Ariel into visiting Ursula. Anybody with a brain would know that they're evil henchmen, but not Ariel.
She sticks her nose in the air and snootily tells Sebastien to mind his own damn business. "Why don't you go tell me father? You're good at that!" ZING!
This is getting extrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeemely long, so I'll try to wrap it up. Ursula offers her legs for three days in return for Ariel's voice, and Ariel signs her vocal chords over for a pair of pins. For a Disney movie, she spends an indecent amount of time nekkidassnaked with her firecrotch right at the eye-level of her hapless friends.
Max, the dog who has been gifted with the alloted amount of common sense that should have gone to everybody else in this dumb movie, finds Ariel and recognises her. Eric crosses her off the list of girls that may one day be his wife because she's mute, but drags her back to his castle anyway because he's a humanitarian.
Somebody with no fashion sense sticks Ariel into a pink dress that washes her complexion out completely, and she gets to have a wordless dinner with the Prince and his manservant. Then she puts on another hideously pink nightgown and falls fast asleep.
Meanwhile Triton is at his wits' end because his daughter is too selfish and self-involved to let him know she's okay. He searches for her everywhere.
Ariel goes on a day trip with Eric. Somebody has found Aurora's woodland gown and slightly modified it so she can wear it to lure the Prince into her underage web of lust. Eric, who may possibly be gay, won't kiss her so Sebastien starts singing Barry-Manilow-style to get them in the mood. FINALLY Eric leans forward but just then they get capsized and the kiss doesn't happen.
Unlike real life, where sexual tension + wet clothes = ridiculous amounts of lusty kissing, in Disney movies getting drenched is an instant mood-killer, so Ariel comes away from her date sans kiss, sans grope, sans even a peck on the cheek.
I'm kind of glad. Eric can do better.
Ursula whips herself into shape in a hot minute and transforms into a sexy brunette with attitude. Eric finds her and wastes no time in proposing. Who needs the intimate knowledge, trust and love of a person to get hitched?
Even my shortening isn't making this any shorter. I'll try harder.Try to read this in a single breath. Are you ready? Breathe deep, now:
Wildlife disrupts wedding.
Ariel gets voice back.
Ursula snatches Ariel and drags her back into the sea.
Eric is dumbfounded (as you would be).
Triton tries to save Ariel.
Ariel tries to excuse her behaviour by saying "Daddy I'm sorry, I didn't mean to!" Which, let's be fair, is a complete lie.
Triton gives himself up to save Ariel even though she hasn't done a damn thing in this movie to show she has qualities worth saving.
There's a big sea battle.
Ursula dies.
Triton gives Ariel legs again so she can live with Eric.
Eric and Ariel live happily ever after forever and ever amen.
*PHEW*
3 comments:
I always had a hard time not seeing her hair as seaweed. Because it totally moves like that when she's in mer-form... This movie could be made infinitely more awesome (sorry Lor) by replacing the Disney mermaids with the mermaids from the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Wheeeeee, secret fangs!!
Max the dog was always my favourite part of the Little Mermaid.
When my sister was little she would watch the little mermaid every single day. I still have all of the songs memorized and under the sea will probably stuck in my head for the rest of the day. Thanks for that.
And there's a sequel featuring the offspring of Eric and Ariel. Their daughter is exactly like her mother (i.e. thoughtless).
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