30 DOT: Day 17

(17) A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.


The God Delusion. 


I read Richard Dawkins' The Selfish Gene in college. I thought he was an awesome writer. The God Delusion came out during my freshman year in college, and I was given an optional assignment to read a chapter out of the book and write a response for one of my Geology classes. 


I read the chapter, but decided to skip the response. I figured I was doing well enough in that class to not have to do something optional. 


That summer, I bought the book. I think I was the only person at Borders under the age of 35 buying it. I don't know what that says about me, or what that says about my age group. 


I started reading it... didn't finish it. 


I started reading it again... could not finish it. 


I started reading it one more time... got in a little further. 


 I was raised Catholic. For a long time, I was Catholic. I don't know if I'm Catholic anymore. 


Reading this book, I began to question my beliefs on religion. 


Why are we (my family) Catholic? Because the Spanish raped and pillaged and made the Aztecs worship their God by destroying their temples and building Catholic churches over said temples.


Was I Catholic because I wanted to be Catholic? Well, maybe I was Catholic when I decided to get Confirmed, and if I chose to be Confirmed, it means at some point I wanted to be Catholic. Maybe I'm not Catholic anymore because some priests touch little boys inappropriately and I think that is wrong. Or because I'm scared to get judged by someone who may or may not exist. 


Was I Catholic because everyone else in my family is Catholic? Most likely. Just to keep tradition? 


2006/07 was a shitty time in my life. This was a time in my life where maybe I could have used some counsel from The Big Guy Upstairs. I'd often think to myself If God and Jesus love me so much, why are they letting bad things happen to me? And then some asshole would say "oh, God never gives you anything you can't handle"... yeah bitch, that's why I'm crying my eyes out for 48 hours straight, because I'm so in control. 


When things looked better, I still felt as alone. 


My friend sent me a letter, and along with the letter was one of those little inspiration cards they sell at flower shops. She sent me the Foot Prints in the Sand one. I ate it up. Yeah, that was a shitty year and a half and Jesus carried me. And he helped me see the light and it was all rainbows and sunshine.


Bull-fucking-shit. 


I'm supposed to believe someone just carried me until times were better? Yeah, no.


Am I not strong enough to help myself through rough times? Because as I recall... Jesus wasn't doing my homework. God wasn't writing letters of re-admittance, and the Holy Spirit wasn't standing up for me when I would fight with my dad about the situation I was in.  


Do I think religion in general causes more harm than good? I honestly don't know. What I do know is that when I think of religion, I feel very lied to. 

Thirty Days of Truth (1) Something you hate about yourself. (2)Something you love about yourself. (3) Something you have to forgive yourself for. (4) Something you have to forgive someone for. (5) Something you hope to do in your life. (6) Something you hope you never have to do. (7) Someone who has made your life worth living for. (8) Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. (9) Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. (10) Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. (11) Something people seem to compliment you the most on. (12) Something you never get compliments on. (13) A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.) (14) A hero that has let you down. (letter) (15) Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. (16) Someone or something you definitely could live without. (17) A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. (18) Your views on gay marriage. (19) What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? (20)views on drugs and alcohol. (21) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? (22) Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. (23) Something you wish you had done in your life. (24) Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) (25) The reason you believe you’re still alive today. (26) Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? (27) What’s the best thing going for you right now? (28) What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? (29) Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. (30) A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Religion (Don't worry, I'm not trying to convert you to anything)

Here's a little assignment we had for my philosophy class. It was pretty interesting to dig deep down and talk about religion for about 4 pages. 

 ___________________

My family moved to the United States in the 1970’s from Mexico. My grandmother wanted us (her grandchildren) to be raised just as my father and his siblings were raised. They were raised Catholic, so there was no choice for my siblings and my cousins. We were raised extremely Catholic. We went to church every Sunday and on Holy Days of Obligation. We prayed before every meal and before going to sleep. I even attended Catholic school through high school. I spent 18 years of my life this way. I never really questioned my beliefs until I started going to college. 

I started my college career at a liberal arts school in Wisconsin. It was in a small little town that had a church/or place of worship for every bar in the area. When I was a freshman, I would still go to church every Sunday morning like I did back home. Except when the temperature was 30 below; then there was no way I was leaving my dorm room. Some of my friends who lived in my dorm would also go with me on occasion. After mass, I would call my grandmother and we would talk about what I had learned. This was something we had done since I was very young. I even went as far as being involved in the parish and had a “Prayer Buddy” - usually someone who lived in town, they served as your spiritual mentor and they would invite you over to their house for a dinner and they would make you a care package for finals week. It was either one of two things that made me part ways with my Catholic life. It was either declaring my major as Geology, or going to Easter mass my freshman year extremely hung over. 

The official story, meaning, what I told my parents, was that my Geology classes had opened up a can of worms and were conflicting with my beliefs. Although I had really strong beliefs, they just didn’t make sense with what I was learning, and decided that it wasn’t something I wanted to continue associating with. What I think really happened, was that I got so drunk on Holy Saturday and God got upset over this. He made me wake up late for church the next morning, and reserved me a seat right in front of the organ pipes and had no real concern that I had a massive hang over. This was something that I would never be able to forget or forgive God for, therefore parting ways with him. The 19 year old me would never admit this to her parents, much less her grandmother.

To say that the Easter Sunday mass fiasco was what made me lose interest in Catholicism, although comical, would be a lie. The truth is, I always had a problem with some of the beliefs that the Catholic church has and with they way that they handle scandals. Though my family has always been Catholic, they have also been very liberal. Many people in my family never married through the Church and some have even divorced. Two things that many Catholics would not be too happy with. My personal beliefs never matched up with Catholic teachings. 

My senior year in high school, we took an ethics class where we were taught about “controversial topics”. One week, our topic was abortions. I think I was one of the three people who were pro-choice in a room of 85 people. When we admitted this, we got looks of disgust from our classmates and we were not even allowed to explain ourselves or explain why we were pro-choice. Another week, we discussed homosexuality. Though this was more accepted within our class, I decided not to speak up and say that my aunt was gay, for fear that my comment would be taken as offensively as my pro-choice one. Then there were other things like “sex = procreation” and “sex = babies so don’t use a condom”. Things I think are ridiculous. 

Then there were the other things like all the accusations of child molestation, that I just couldn’t bring myself to go to church and pretend like the things that were going on in this organization were okay. I began to have a love/hate relationship with religion. I slowly started letting go of beliefs and habits I had. I stopped praying before meals (plus this was something that was really weird to do in the dining halls), stopped praying before bed, etc. I did not even feel guilty that I was not doing what I had been doing for my entire life. I felt liberated. I felt that I could believe what ever I wanted now. I decided to be an atheist. 

This decision made me feel empty inside. I felt that things were not going as I planned in life. A part of me believed that may be there was a God and this God was not happy that I decided to oust him out of my life (or maybe she was mad that I kept referring to her as a HE). There were days that I just thought about the possibility of a God, and the possibility that this was it. No God, just people who invented a being to feel better about where they would end up when they died. It was just a teeter-totter of emotions and beliefs. I knew that there was no possible way that this was it. Even if it isn’t God at the top of the totem pole, there has to be something. I came to the conclusion that I was an agnostic. 

Ever since I became agnostic, nothing really has persuaded me to be religious again. I like the idea of wondering what else is out there. It also makes me feel better knowing that I do not have to follow rules of a certain organization and that I don’t have restrictions on my life. Even still, I feel a connection to my former Catholic self. When I get married, I know I will get married through the Church, because that is what my family would want. I can settle for that if they are willing to provide an open bar at the reception.   As well as if I have children, I will probably baptize them as Catholics, as my brother likes to say, “just in case” Catholicism was the “right way”.  

I would like to say that the philosophers we have read in this class have changed my views on God. The truth is, they have not really done anything to change my mind on the subject. Though I do think that they make good arguments towards the existence of God, they still did not manage to convince me that they are correct. I feel that if anything, they philosophers we have discussed in class have made me feel more spiritual. Recently, I read a statistic that our generation is the most spiritual generation. I do not know if it’s entirely true, but I can see how there is some truth behind it.