Sometimes, I get the crazy. I think of the most craziest scenarios and actually think they’re happening. After two seconds of thinking about it, I come to my senses and realize oh, it’s all in my head. And then I carry on with my day.
Other times, it’s not like that. I get weird feelings. Feelings that make me feel that things are going bad, and fast. Then I take the most awful advice given to me: “go with your gut feeling”… Which, to me, has proven to be way wrong. Maybe I was not born with intuition.
About 2 months ago, I had a bad feeling. I wasn’t sure what it was. A little part of me automatically assumed “your boyfriend is cheating”… so I went with my feeling for a bit… and then I let it go. Mostly because I knew it wasn’t true… but if my gut was telling me, I was going to go with it.
Then, Sam told me about a dream she had where I was drowning, and a shark was about to eat me, and instead of coming to my rescue, my boyfriend swam away from me. In the delusional state I was in, I said “it’s true” and accused my boyfriend of doing something he didn’t do.
I made him feel bad. I felt bad that I made him feel bad.
The boyfriend and I had this conversation again today. Not in an accusatory form, or a fight, just a “Lily do you still have doubts” kinda way. I thought to myself damn, who in their damn mind would still date me while I’m accusing them of cheating on me, and not caring about me… wow. I would so not date me.
I tried putting myself in the position I put him in. I found this unbelievably difficult. Mostly because I don’t think he could be capable of having stupid unfounded ideas and then accuse me of having done them. I also don’t think he has friends that sometimes fuel into any insecurities he may have (whether it’s indirect or direct from the friends).
I realize that this is something I need to change. I could image being married a year and wanting a divorce for something that I invited in my mind. So, I decided that this is going to be the first of my new year’s resolutions. One of the few I plan not to break.
Be less crazy.
4 comments:
What made you think he was cheating? Was there some other reason you were feeling insecure?
I had a dream the other day where I had a brand new infant that I loved and wanted to take places but every time I picked it up I failed to support it's head and it cried every time I moved it.
My mom thinks it's a dream that says I am not ready to have kids...but I mean, I know that consciously.
I realized it's more a dream about my being in France. I moved here, and I barely speak the language and I want to do a good job at it, but it's really hard to get right and to maintain--it's like an infant. It's stressful and I just want to skip to the good part--being fluent, feeling at home you know?
My point is, when I look at an issue I am often not satisfied with the obvious answer. I suggest looking around the issue and seeing if there is something about yourself bothering you, or something else about your relationship you've not been looking at directly.
Just my two cents. <3
Aww.. this is a huge step in the right direction. The best part about all of this though is that your boyfriend is super understanding of you. Some guys would be so upset of being accused of something they didn't do that they would end a relationship right there.
Have a great day!
xo,
Casey
www.blondebargainbabe.com
I have this affliction, too. Maybe us ladies are just born with an extra bit of crazy embedded within us. I imagine these fucked up scenarios in my head and believe that they are true. Sheesh! I need to stop doing this. New Year resolution it is!
@Erin, if it were my dream, I may have read into it more. Sam had the dream and told me about it when I was having a bad feeling. I think if it were my dream, we would have had a fight.
Another thing I didn't mention, was that most of i when I get "the crazies" something bad happened. Usually something out of my control. And what ever emotions I had about it, get channeled differently and I accidently take it out on him.
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