4) Something you have to forgive someone for.
I'm never ever really ready to forgive anyone for anything. I'd like to think that I don't hold grudges, but, I think my previous statement says otherwise.
The thing I've always had trouble accepting was the fact that my parents were divorced. I kind of always blamed my mom for it. For unfounded reasons. It wasn't her fault. It was more my dad's faults that caused their marriage to die. I chose not to see that side. I always felt that my life was "fucked up". It wasn't. Not even close to being "fucked up". For the longest time, we lived blocks away from my dad. We wouldn't even go home after school, we'd go to my dad's and we'd eat dinner with my grandmother. That's how close we lived to each other while we were kids. My parents tried to keep our lives as close to "normal" as possible.
I don't remember when I started to blame my mom for this. I think maybe around the time that there were Father-Daughter dances in school, and I would have to say "oh, I can't go because my dad can't come". I remember seeing all my friends leave early on those Friday afternoons to get ready for the dances, (which later, I learned were those Purity Ring thingies). I felt kind of left out. Not just because I wanted to leave early, or that I wanted a purity ring (because I mean, really?), but I was one of 5 girls left in the classroom. Not to sound like a bitch or that I was better than the other girls, but unlike them, I actually *KNEW* who my dad was.
Every birthday wish of mine was "I hope my parents get back together". Up until I was 18. I hoped that maybe one day, they'd realize what fucktards they married and would come to the realization that they were soul mates. And then, I could feel better. All that was in vain. But maybe in some parallel universe, they're still together, without all the shittiness.
I would always tell my brother, Frank - or Piggy as I like to call him, how I wished our parents were still together. I was five when they got divorced. Frank was ten. He kind of understood the situation better. Even recently, I would say that our lives would be different if mom just "stuck it out"."Piggy, mom wouldn't have to work. She'd have everything." Even our grandmother says this.
But really, my mom's life would be miserable if she were still married to my dad. He was a heavy drinker (oh yeah, that Alferez Gene). He wasn't abusive towards us (Piggy, mom or me), but I would assume that's not the environment you'd want to raise your children in. If anything, I'm surprised she lasted the 12 years they were married.
I hate that it has taken me almost 20 years to understand that. And I feel guilty that I've made my mom feel bad for trying to give my brother and I a better life. I guess I was just selfish. And I wanted them to be together regardless of all the bad things (of what I know about, and what I don't know about). Now that I'm an "adult", my parents confide in me a little more. My dad brings up the topic alot more than my mom does. He always says the same thing, "it was better this way".
Maybe I'm the only one who feels that it wasn't. Regardless, I know both my mom and dad knew what was best for them and for us. I forgive them for "splitting up" our family, even though our lives were pretty much exactly the same. We just didn't live with my dad. I forgive them because they loved us enough to prevent us from experiencing anything more painful, sadder, hurtful, tragic.
Mamí, te perdono por todo. Sé que lo hiciste para nosotros y no por alguna razón egoísta. ♥
Thirty Days of Truth
2 comments:
Hey Lily. I found your blog through 20sb and reading this on a Thursday morning at my desk at work is making me feel a whole lot better.
I think it's normal for a child whose parents have divorced to want them to reconcile and I also think it's normal for that child to assign blame more to one parent than the other. Especially a younger child. Ideally we'd all like to live the norm but life has other plans for us sometimes.
Seems like you've come full circle and completely matured in your outlook on what took place within your parents' marriage. And I'm pretty sure they never blamed you for being angry/sad that things didn't work out.
<3
First of all, your new layout is adorable.
Secondly, this was a really great post. My parents have been married for a long time so I never could really understand what my friends were going through when their parents got divorced. I think I would have had A LOT of trouble adjusting if that had happened.
I'm glad you've realized it was for the best, though. : )
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