Texts conversations

The highlight of my work day is getting texts while at work. Mostly because people at work annoy me (both customers AND co-workers) and because sometimes it's easier to pretend to work and not have to deal with the craziness/stupidity of last minute shoppers. Having my cell phone in my apron pocket at work makes my shift a million times easier.

The winner today is Bradley (of Dr Bradley Fame). I cut out the non-funny parts. Because do you really want to know about my work day? And the annoying-ness of people on the bus on my way home? No. You just want to read the shenanigans I text back and forth about.

Unknown Number: So I definitely had sex with ms. b in a dream last night. =0 (Ms B was our biology professor and apparently I had never saved Bradley's number onto my phone)

Me: OMG! Dude, you sex'd dreamed her!???

Bradley: It was fukkkkkkked up.

***

Bradley: You're like a pro alcoholic

Me: More like semi-pro

Bradley: Someday, just keep trying

Me: Thanks for having faith in me

Bradley: Anytime girl

Bradley: Oh, I got that [Christmas] card!

Me: I wish I would have waited to send you one. Just so I could refernce your gross dream.

****

Me: I really want to make a snowman, but there isn't enough snow.

Bradley: Buy a bunch of coke. Or make an ethnically diverse snowman from the snow lodged in the wheel wells of cars on your block

Me: Hmm. That might work. Is the coke for the snow man?

Bradley: No, you just rail some fat lines and you won't give a fuck about making a snowman anymore.

Me: Oh. I don't think I know anyone who sells the white stuff.

Bradley: There was an article in the paper yesterday about some guys loading a truck with 179kilos on Western when the box busted open and coke flew errrrywhere

Me: OMG and where were we???

Bradley: In the wrong place at the wrong time, obviously

Me: Damn. We're never going to just find coke somewhere. We're cursed to always have to buy.

Bradley: I'll never try coke ... purposely, at least. I'm afraid I'd decide I never needed to sleep again

Me: LOL I'd use it as sugar for my coffee... or uh.. for baking.

Bradley: Coke lattes sound like a helluva way to start the day.

Bradley: Freud was always an advocate, before he got addicted to morphine

Me: Freud was gangsta

Bradley: Gangsta with a lifelong fixation on his mother. And stubborn as fuck.

Me: Mmmhmmm. The very definition of gangsta.




Runner Up: 

Me: My brother just told me he's getting married.

Ivan: That's good. lol

Me: LOL yeah, I just thought I was going to get married first.

Ivan. LOL ok.

Me: Actually, it's more like I never thought he'd get married.

Ivan: So u think he's a loser?

Me: Kinda.

Biology Lab with Dr. Bradley, Parte Dos

So, again... there are more dissections. But maybe not as funny as the other ones.

A lamprey. So this freaking thing smelled horrible. It made the entire lab smell like a morgue with tens of thousands or rotting bodies. Gross. Very very gross. 

I wish I would have taken a picture of his mouth because it looked really freaking. Almost like a leech. But creepier because according to Bradley, he looked like a "soft kielbasa with a tail". 

His name was Michael. He was from the Bronx. He also had a fetish for lactating hookers. 

This was Steven. He was an aspiring opera singer. But there was no cause of death for him. 

And lastly, Groucho Sharx. 

Soak it up. Ha. Ha. Ha. 

Biology Lab with Dr. Bradley

Taking a biology class means alot of nasty things have to be done in lab. This week, we had to dissect 3 different animals. My lab group consists of me, a girl named Ariel, and this guy named Bradley.

******

Bradley is a hilarious guy. Honestly. Like no on has ever made me laugh so much in class since like fifth grade when guys used to always make me laugh for the stupidest things. One day, class had been very very boring. It was about one hour of lecture. One hour of us standing in a line to write the title of our tentative research project for the class. And lastly, an other hour of standing in line to get said project topic approved.

During our 10 minute break ... Bradley decided to have fun with the skeletons that were in our class room. This was almost too hilarious to not take a picture of (see above). And since this day, I am glad that Bradley is in my lab group. If he weren't ... class would be so boring ... 3 hours of dissecting smelly dead animals. At least I get a laugh out of it with Bradley there.

This is Bradley. So... usually, Bradley generally doesn't do anything in lab. He just sits there while Ariel and I do all the work. Or he'll read something else ... or leave for half of the class period, or come in late. His actions make our professor come over to our lab bench, and she pulls him aside and asks "what is your contribution to this group?" or "are you doing anything today?" aaaaaaand my personal favorite "I don't want to give you points for the lab if you're not doing anything... it's unfair". So imagine all those quotes being said in a very heavy Italian accent. It's the cutes. Trust.
 
Our three dissections today were the grossest dissections ever. In the history of biology classes. First of all... I hate doing dissections. I don't know why. I've always hated them. Like in 6th grade ... my mom signed me up for this after school program where you'd get math and science thrown at you for like 3 hours after school. And it was supposed to get you prepared for high school. So by being in that class you got to do things that you didn't do in your regular science class... the one you were with your friends. For the first three weeks we cleaned owl pellets. The next weeks  we did alot of math. And then FINALLY we did the freaking frog. First off, the frog smelled. Because the freaking frog smelled horrible ... I ended up fainting. I fainted in the science lab. And everyone made fun of me. Oh... like beeteedubs - everyone in the program was in 7th grade, and I was the only girl. So yeah... hella embarrassing.

Anyway. Our first one was a crayfish. Who doesn't know what a crayfish looks like? Who doesn't know what they taste like? Me. I've never had one of these. Though, I hear they are good. Can someone deny or confirm this for me? Anyway... I didn't take a picture of our crayfish but here's one so you have a general idea of what one is. Hey! I'm not judging... being from a big city.... sometimes I don't know what things are.

That. To your left... is a crayfish.

So, Ariel and I decided that because we usually do all the work, that it would be appropriate if we assigned ALL of the dissecting to Bradley while we sit to the side and answer questions and play with the microscopes. (Technically... we had to draw things we saw in slides, so we were actually working).

Bradley agreed. But only if he could act like we were performing autopsies. He walks over with the dissecting pan with a crayfish in it and says: "Okay guys... this is Andy. Andy was an unemployed stock broker... He lost everything he had because he decided to hedge against the dot coms.... so really... he was an unemployed stock broker."

Then we had our grasshopper. But really we didn't have to dissect the grasshopper... so I don't know why we even needed to bring the grasshopper to our lab bench. But it went like this: "So this is Rupert. He was disowned by his wealthy parents for being a homosexual. He was an aspiring actor... but because he wasn't really making it, he began to sell drugs from his New York City apartment. He finally died from an overdose. Who overdoses on their own supply?"

 And lastly, our earth worm. Did you know earthworms have five hearts? Yeah, they have five hearts. I did not know that. I wish I were an earthworm... because though you have five hearts.... your five
hearts would never get broken. And hey, who could argue with that?

Bradley named our earthworm: Earl.

"Okay guys... this is Earl. He's the last one we have to dissect. So Earl ran an auction house. But before that.... he fixed jeeps during World War II. But after the war, he had no good skills, and couldn't find a job... so he ran an auction house."

Yeah, that little guy has five hearts.