Think Pregnant Thoughts, Pt. 1

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been feeling kind of funny. And doing things that I don’t normally do, like sleeping and eating alot. Mentioning this to my boyfriend automatically made him think I was pregnant.

So for an entire week, I couldn’t get this notion out of my head:

Am I pregnant? Am I not pregnant? What if I am? But if I’m not, that’s okay too.

So I thought about how depressing it would be if I had a baby at this very moment. Don’t get me wrong, I want kids, I really do, but I have student loans that I have to start paying plus credit cards that need to be paid off, all while trying to save for a car and to move out. I don’t think I’d be as sad as my bank account would be.

Tuesday, the boyfriend and I decided Friday we’d find out.

I started to work out a plan if for whatever reason things kept going as unplanned.

Wednesday - Worst day of my life. Maybe it was just the idea of possibly being pregnant that I couldn’t think straight. The day was moving unbelievably slow, and all I could think about was babies. All baby everything. So after a while, I just started looking at baby clothes on the internet.

Thursday - More thoughts about babies. I finally began to freak out. I almost thought about taking a pregnancy test by myself, but thought I would have a nervous breakdown if I saw that it was positive and no one was there to calm me down.

And it was finally Friday!

By Friday, it was something different. While I was scared that I may be a mom in the near future, I wasn’t as scared as I was earlier that week.

The boyfriend and I went to dinner so that he could calm me down a little (though I wasn’t as scared, I was still very scared).

I just kept thinking about what I would tell my parents “you’re going to be grandparents, again!” I also imagined how cute it would be for my baby nephew to have a little cousin to grow up with.

While at dinner, I was looking through my wallet (I always do this at restaurants, I think it’s a fear of not knowing if I’ll have enough to pay the bill - another irrational fear of mine). I found a fortune from a fortune cookie from about 3 months ago… I read it and immediately got mad.

“Remember this date three months from today, you’ll receive good news”

That freaking little old lady from he Chinese restaurant would so totally jinx me by giving me that cookie. And of course, I was all like “the test is so going to say I’m pregnant”.

The first joke: “Wouldn’t it be funny, if I were pregnant, we go back to the Chinese restaurant 9 months later and tell the little old lady, ‘remember that fortune cookie you gave me? Yeah, then *that* happened”. I didn’t get a laugh.

We drove to the most unorganized Walgreen’s in the world. I mean, nothing is near anything it would be by! (let me know if that made sense, because it did in my head, but not so much when saying it out loud). Usually, the female hygienic stuff is by the pharmacy, but at this Walgreen’s pads, condoms, fertility tests and pregnancy tests are all by school supplies. How does that even make sense?!

After spending $35 on I don’t know what, we finally went back to his house. Even though I really had to pee, I couldn’t go take the pregnancy test at that very moment. His roommates were putting up their Christmas tree. I felt awkward enough just going to pee while they were decorating their tree 2 feet away from me.

After an entire day of feeling okay with the possibility of being pregnant, I started to freak out. Like massively. I just asked the same questions over and over again “what are we going to do with a baby with hardly any money?”, “what are we going to tell our parents?” …. And my calm boyfriend said “we’ll figure it out when we actually know”. There was like 20 minutes of this. If the boyfriend had not been so calm, I think I would have ripped out all my hair.

It finally died down a little outside his bedroom. I took this as my cue to go to the bathroom. “How the hell am I going to bring this back out? I can’t just bring it out of the bathroom like nothing… your roommates are going to ask you a bunch of questions…”. I went it, and did it like nothing. But, while in the bathroom I go so nervous. Everything just went horribly wrong. It is surprisingly hard to pee on a stick.

I placed the pee stick on the counter while I cleaned up. First, the toilet paper fell off the thing that was holding it. The roll just kept rolling everywhere. I was dying knowing that his roommates were close to the bathroom probably hearing me dropping everything I touched.

Being a nice person, I didn’t just roll the toilet paper back, I cut off the squares that touched the floor and wrapped the pee stick with that toilet paper. I wet my face a little and scrunched up some toilet paper to make it look like I just grabbed a bunch of toilet paper to blow my nose.

I walked back into the bedroom and placed the pee stick on the dresser. I just stared at it. Nothing was happening. Thirty minutes and both windows were blank. What does that mean?!

Invalid. You have to take another test.